Ok I am here on planet earth, but not everything is oukey with me. I live in an environment where I am not dodging bullets and I am able to express myself…yet I feel so strange. My beingness is not oukey. I feel that when I wake up in the mornings and throughout the day. I feel on guard and pressurised. i feel like I am not welcome here and that is an absolute illusion. I have filled my head with illusions and that comes down to one point: not loving and appreciating me. If you dont appreciate and unconditionally love and accept you, you will never feel at peace and you will never just be. Therefore I have created various illusions, by participating in my mind, of which one is constant anger at myself, which eventually manifests during the day..at other people. I beLIEve that I am doing things wrong and I believe that I am not ‘happy’.
But as i say the word happy I realise that happiness is an idea. So I will change the word to just here…with no anger, no fear and no illusions. Each person in the world is in some way creating an illusion because they want to fulfill themselves or be more or have a feeling that will make things ok. I dont indulge in worldly crap (except the occasional movie or dinner), so I will not turn to destractions like parties and drugs and numifications…to stretch out this one inevitable point. That no matter what I do, in the ‘background’ is my actual beingness. That something is wrong and that my self honesty will not accept numbness and will not let me ‘think’ I am ok when I do not unconditionaly accept me. Interesting conundrum would you not say? I create the illusion based on my beingness and my mind supports that and what is always there to point out my illusions…well my beingness. I am constantly aware that things just aint right with me. Now that could be another illusion, but this is how I currently experience myself.
So if the feeling of ‘things not being right’ is in fact an absolute illusion then how does one live so that you are free from this illusion? The starting point would of course be to write it all out, so that from there I am able to understand that which I allow. So, from here I will write about my experiences as each other person has, not to bore anybody to death, but so that i am able to actually see me. Through that I will cry, I will go ‘oooh is that why’ and I will resist through suppression. But the next day I write again, until I get everything out.