Monthly Archives: February 2008


Since starting sexual intercourse about three months ago I have experiened various levels of discomfort and illness. Due to not using sufficient lubrication I scratched the inside of my vagina (vaginal wall) and thereafter I developed a slight infection which then resulted in a full blown bladder infection. Now I have heard of bladder infections being difficuilt to remove or just plain impossible, however what I am experiencing leaves me with this distinct idea that this is no ordinary bladder infection.

Halfway through the ‘session’ I would feel myself becoming scratched on the inside> I was not aware that this was, not so cool, so I would continue. Eventually I was completely raw and then decided to go to my gynie

I have been to the ‘doctor’ a few times, and I am not normally one to go to doctors. I have always been quite good with sorting out my own health issues’ just by using Kinesiology or self-forgiveness. However this bladder infection has not been easy to work with. The first time I got the bladder infection was when I forgot to use sufficient lubrication. Now sex to me, you must understand was a very traumatic experience. I was never able to have sex, because I was molested by some men at a party when I was young and have since then ‘detested’ sex and never quite understood why. It had taken me up till now to see what happened and why I harboured such rage against men. I then realised that for me to release myself from this decision to hate men and sex forever, I would have to push beyond my own ‘limitations’ (the decision to give this event power over me). So, with the assistance of Anthony who I am in an agreement with, I pushed through the painful sexual intercourse part and proceeded to work on having intercourse. this was extremely difficuilt as the pain was nearly unbearable as well as I felt trapped and sufficated with a penis inside me. But what was interesting was when I started doing forgiveness on ‘the event that took place’ I actually was then able to have intercourse! Obviously not 100% painfree, but I was actually able to lie there and exist merely as the breath and support myself through the initial painful experience of intercourse and just breath, instead of having all sorts of panic reactions rush through me and give me all sorts of reason to become hysterical.

So once I moved past that point I then started enjoying myself from the perspective that I then allowed myself to start experiencing me. I would push me to start feeling more within my vagina and I also started seeing myself from a new perspective. Obviously one is always here, therefore you dont actually ‘re-appear’ or something but I saw within me how it was possible for me to move beyond my greatest fears. So then I started playing with intercourse but found myself to be unsure of how to have sex. Yes, things like proper lubrication is an absolute must. I thought that it was fine lubricating somewhat in the begining. Hey! They dont show you how to lubricate properly when your ‘guide to having sex’ comes from memories of porn films. So we would slap on a bit of lube and off we go.

Eventually I became to rubbed and raw on the inside, due to how much sex I was having (in order for me to overcome limitations), that I was now sore and uncomfortable. I went off to my gynecologist and she poked her head in my hole and told me that I was bruised and rubbed raw. Now when she said raw she meant, streaks of flesh that had been rubbed open, not just ‘raw’. In her medical blasé fashion she mentioned that I should take it easy and quict with the overexcesive sex for a bit. This was actually hilarious because instead of stopping having sex until I was completely healed, I stopped for a while and then cassually continued, yet again not using enough lube.

A while after that I developed baldder infection. After going to a few emergency doctors I then went to see my gyne. She just sat there and told me about possible bladder disfuctions. She did not even look inside, which is why I went to a gynecologist and not a male GP.  What was weird is that she was not the least concerned to actually check the vagina to see what is wrong on the inside. I went to her a week ago and told her that I have been to two emergency doctors with this infection and each time the infection is suppressed by the medication for a week. then it returns. So she tells me that if the medication she gives me now does not sort out the infection then I will have to go to a different specialist a ‘urinologist’ who will do all sorts of tests on me and then probably operate on my bladder. Her suggestion was take the medication and we’ll see. I must say I walked out of there ‘thinking’, you know I realise that other doctors have told me that I have bladder infection, but is she not even going to look inside and see what my infection looks like? I mean here she is talking about bladder defects and possible ‘corrective’ surgery, when she has not even looked inside to say ‘fuck me it’s infected’ or ‘shame look at you bladder that is swolen and infected!’

So i walked out of there fearing the worst. Ooh man I hate operations I’ll admit to that and I hate having needles stuck in my arm. So I walked out of there thinking ‘oh God now what i Cant afford this operation and I dont like being operated on’.

In the last few weeks since she gave me the medication that apparently knocks the shit out of any infection I have not taken the medication but instead used homeopathics. Homeopathics are not ussually my first choice because they take ages to work and ussually firstly make the symptoms worse before it gets better. I decided though that medication is even worse, so i wll try homeopathics first. It did actually assist with the infection imensely and I was starting to feel the relieve of ‘Oh maybe I dont have a bladder dysfunction’. Then like an idiot I go and have sex while I am still mentruating. I was so sure that the infection was gone or at least ‘very much subsided’ that I jumped right in and had sex. Now nobody tells you about how the body works and how to have sex when there is an underlying bladder infection. So what I did was slap on some patroleum jelly (we ran out of lube) and had intercourse. Because I had just finishesd my period, the lining of my uturis where the mentrual blood comes out was till repairing itself (again nobody tells you this) and I go and tear the opening of this ‘healing section’ while insisting that Anthony ‘goes deeper’. Ha ha. So next thing I experience this sharp pain and my orgasm goes flooding through me, but I felt that the orgasm was more of a pain reflex, which is the body’s way of saying ‘Oh shit fuck ok somethings wrong here so i’ll just orgasm and maybe it will stop’. After the ‘orgasm’ i felt waves move through my stomach area. Then when Anthony pulls out we see blood on the bed. I get up to go and shower (the gyne suggested this to ensure no bacteria gets into the infected area). When I get to the shower Anthony says that there is blood all over the back of my legs. I look and see that there is some weird stringy stuff coming out my vagina and blood. This was the lining of the mentrual stuff that we had disturbed while ‘poking’ it and now it was discharging. I felt myself get very dizzy, because i was so aware of my body and the infection that any shock to my vagina area caused me to just get a big fright! So I had to lie down and wait for the dizzyness to subside.

Then a day later, what comes back with a mother sized vengeance? The bladder infection. How? Well when I puctured the blood lining that was still healing I also scraped the place in the vagina that was ‘previously’ infected. This shock through my system from the pain was enough to cause the infection, that was very much underlying within the cells – to pop back up. See, whenever i had managed to subdue this infection though proper eating, water drinking and homeopathics/medication it was only until the next time I go and upset that area. Now I ask myself this: why does my ‘infected area’ get bruised so easily? This is due to how my own body does not produce enough lubrication and when I have sex I place pressure on the part that I scratched previously. Because we dont use proper lubrication it tears at the skin and then the infection starts again. Apparently K-Y jelly does not support the rubbing process. This I have learnt what ‘the hard way?’ So then the infection came back. I started feeling the pain and I used the homeopathic remedy as per ussual, only this time it did nothing. I realised that obviously my body was adjusting to the homeopathics and that i was to take the medication ‘that knocks the shit out of any infection’. So I did. I did not want to but hey fuck me it was sore. So I swallowed the first one. For the rest of the day and evening I experienced sporatic bouts of pain and urinary burning, but by this morning the infection has ‘let up a tad’. So, I write now because I am looking at how and why i allowed this infection to occur:

Within my mind consciousness is a thread of information that links my own believes about sex with how my body fuctions. If I view sex as disgusting or horrible then the thread of information, takes this statement and places it within my bladder and sex organs. Once I have sex the sexual intercourse ‘initiates’ this thought construct and I then experience myself as ‘violated’. Now dont get me wrong, I do enjoy Anthony and sex, but I have this ‘hidden’ (whatever) desire to cause people pain that have sex because they concider it fun to degrade woman. Now within me that statement is obviously, not cool, because I see how we all experience sex as cool and fun, so my own sexual addictions that I have had are no different to what any other person experiences ; HOWEVER what I do within my own body is cause myself extreme pain because I manifest any sexual experience as ‘this infection’. So my views of sex being the infection of the mind manifested as every disgusted minded boy, man and girl out there is how I then manifest it within me.

Due to this, I have decided to never have sex again…. ha ha see the cycle? Now my only solution, due to fear of pain and hospitals is to stop having sex. This in itself brings me back to why I never wanted to have sex in the first place. So I have built up a resentment to sex AGAIN through how I have assisted this infection within me.

The solution: Self-forgiveness. To forgive myself for hating people who have sex, because they are fucked by the sex system.

I forgive myself for alowing myself to internalise this hatred. I forgive myself for judging people who have sex, because they are fucked by a system. I forgive myself for having sex and concidering myself unworthy of having sex. I forgive myself for being resentful towards myself for alollwoing thoughts to determine my sexual expression. I forgive myself for experiencing discomfort during sex and therefore allowing myself to build up a resistence to it. I forgive myself for being angry with myself for existing as a female expression that allows myself to create sex desires in this world. I forgive myself for participating in sex talk as a means to give us a reason to want to have sex. I forgive myself for viewing humans as disgusting because nobody is willing to stop what they are doing and seeing what we have created. i forgive myself for resentment towards myself for allowing myself to be fucked by the sex system and therefore finding a ‘reason/excuse’ to no longer participate in sex. I forgive myself for not being honest about how I view sex. I forgive myself for harbouring ‘ill’ thoughts about sex, and therefore creating this infection within me. i forgive myself for resenting myself for being me sometimes, with all my issues and all my ‘problems. Sometimes I experience myself as just being here and ‘free’ to express and then when something like this happens I become angry with me for creating ‘uneccesary’ shit.

Depression of self

This was in response to an e-mail that I had received from a Desteni forum member, asking me about Depression:


Yes as Jack mentioned I have experienced many years of extensive depression, in all sorts of ‘forms’ When I say ‘forms’ i mean, from childhood depression to adult depression, consisting of work related, money related and sex/relationship related. Gosh writing about this is actually assisting me to see all the different forms! Thanks Steve! See how openness and self-honesty actually assist in more ways then just you assisting you? Because by you assisting you, I get to assist me which means we equaliy assist ourselves as one!

Ok, so let me explain about depression and what i have experienced. i have come to understand within myself through the years that my depression was linked to self-dishonesty. Yes, whenever you depress you into a state of feeling down or sad or tired then what you are doing is stating that you have no directive principle (no direct power of self) to move and apply yourself, so taht you may ‘not experience depression. And of course that is self-dishonesty.

Now I realised also that within ‘depression’ there are factors to which I have allowed me to become depressed and these factors were pre-programmed by myself when I was Anu. Why do I say me -as Anu. Well we have to realise that Anu and co were merely showing each of us, who we really are. I mean look at Anu’s creation of this world: If he had not set us up for ‘failure’ this way, we would never quite have seen ourselves within oneness and equality as who we really are. So, was the design of man really a design or were we created in such a way so that we may become ourselves completely?

I suggest seeing as we are speaking frankly here, that you and I remember when we saw ourselves as ‘depressed’ people for the first time. You might remember a day when you realised your ‘depressed nature’ and said to yourself ‘shit man this is surely not who the fuck I am?’

So when I saw taht I was depressed as the nature of me, probably a few months ago, I also realised that it wont necesarily be ‘easy’, meaning a quick trip through the park, to sort this all out. I had realised what I had become and now what? What does one do? So I started seeing me for who i had become and each day when my depression pushes at me, as a designed pre-prgrammed button that pushes itself wherever, whever then I state clearly to myself: I will never again fall back into my old patterns. If I experience the ‘onset’ of my depression then I will move me until it goes away. Together with that I did forgiveness on who I had become (all the points of depression you realise exists within you) and also did forgiveness working through Verno’s structural resonance documents, as well as doing the forgivenessess on the forum. You will notice that depression is a sneaky thing. It comes from soo much ‘background’ chatter within your subconscious mind taht you are never even aware of what your mind is being programmed to react as. Because the subconscious runs in the background while you are only seeing the conscious thoughts and feelings, you are never quite aware even of why you become depressed!

So I did forgiveness on everything. There are examples on the forum, documents done by the dimensional beings, on forgiveness examples for: anger, sadness, mothers, fathers, family, fears, ego. I suggest run a search on the front page of the forum to find all posts on forgiveness and do all of them. When you read somebody’s post on forgiveness then I suggest take the opportunity to do your own forgiveness right there, what is relevent to you. Also while reading the Structural resonance documents, so forgiveness as you go along and see exactly what your own experience has been ‘in relation to what Veno is writing about’. You see that is the point of Veno’s articles is for each to read it and apply themselves within that according to what they see exists within them.

So for me each day I still have my moments where I slump into tiredness and depresiveness. This exists within my solar plexus area (beneath the chest area where the ribs end, above the stomach). I have from my childhood placed certain words and applications within this ‘sacred aread’ which each human has within them, where you go into when you are afraid, sad, angry etc. Each person has a ‘sacred place’ where we place words and feelings and thoughts who we project when we are afraid. My projections is my won way of fearing myself >Sounds funny I know but here goes: i project me as i am here, confident, alive, assued of myself. Then when I see who I have become before due to my assuredness and confidence then I shrink back and fall into this ‘sacred place’ where I have lost myself before. See the double conundrum bulshit? I see who I am now and I like me. Then I see who i have become before when I was demon possessed and afraid of nothing and then I state within me ‘ oh well i better watch myself from becoming afraid of who i have been before, because that was trouble for me. I never quite grasped the whole demon possession thing see and therefore I still see what i did as ‘bad and wrong and wreckless’. So with that in mind I then fall into a depresive state by seeing myself and becoming afraid. I am not saying that I would like to become demon possessed again, what i am saying is how i saw my own inner self – that is what I was afraid of. I see who i was then and that frightens me. So I go into my solar plexus filled with ideas, words and feeling about who I was and then WHAM – depression of self occurs because then I remain ‘safe’.

I suggest to you, look into yourself and write down what you fear about who you are. Remember that it is never about other people or situations, that ‘make us want to be depressed, although they do trigger fear within self: It is always about self fearing and being anxious about ME. Who will I be when I stand up for myself. Now that in itself should not scare anybody right? Well one would say that standing up for self is cool hey?

Then why do we fear it so? Well we are soo caught up in the bulshit of this world, the way we dress is designed from within our subconscious which feeds from the unconscious, the way we talk, our habits, our desires etc. then when we see who we really are ‘capable of being’ and we are still acting according to what the unconsciouss mind tells us – then we tend to sit back and rather play dumb. This is how we clear the unconsciouss see – we have to look at where the unconsciouss still directs us from being who we see ourselves to truly be – FREE from the unconscious. So, my message to you:

Don’t fear self-expression. Dont think about what you fear. The fear itself exists within your mind as an illusion. If you fear then you know that you have thoughts about the fear. I suggest apply forgiveness as suggested on EVERYTHING then state clearly to yourself that depression is only what you have accepted. Then dailey, and I mean dailey you push what you have just resisted. So, when you slump into ‘it’ then say to yourself ‘ok where did I just think about what i fear, therefore accessing my ‘special place’ within me and therefore accessing my depressive self. Then once you look back into what you said or did to bring forth depression then you do forgiveness on that and push through the resistenace of that moment. You say to yourself ‘ok I resisted this moment because of….. (do forgiveness). Then you say ‘I forgive myself for allowing the resistence within myself to exist’, then you push through the resistence by physically moving yourself in whatever form.

I realised this morning that when I slump into depression I must move me. Even if i jump out of my window screaming at the top of my lungs – that’s cool, because the movement of self through that tiredness is all that matters. You see, for me I have realised that I exist into foreverness (my own word I just created) with only me to exist AS, therefore when I see myself act depressed then i see who i wil be forever, see?

So I then discard that bulshit and I get up and I walk around the garden or i jump on my bed and laugh or i tickle Anthony until he begs for mercy, because the depression is not real. I am real as who I become as myself, but if I accept the depression as who I have become then that is what i will experience. So, I have placed this understanding within myself to dance, jump, sing whatever it takes to not experience this depression. WHy jump and sing? Well i am sure you get what i am saying already with regards to the decision that you make about who you have seen yourself to be, therefore….. the body is now showing you how to adjust yourself so that your thought generated ‘special place’ ( ha ha sounds rediculous I know) is never again in charge of sending out messages that you must act a certain way. You have now directed yourself to move and the body is there to assist you with that. That is why i jump up and down, because my body is showing me to move beyond my thoughts…Ha I see that now! Cool

i find that the only part that requires constant pushing of self, Steve is to realise in this moment and each moment who I AM. That is all

Ok, now you let me know how it goes, ok?