Depression of self

This was in response to an e-mail that I had received from a Desteni forum member, asking me about Depression:


Yes as Jack mentioned I have experienced many years of extensive depression, in all sorts of ‘forms’ When I say ‘forms’ i mean, from childhood depression to adult depression, consisting of work related, money related and sex/relationship related. Gosh writing about this is actually assisting me to see all the different forms! Thanks Steve! See how openness and self-honesty actually assist in more ways then just you assisting you? Because by you assisting you, I get to assist me which means we equaliy assist ourselves as one!

Ok, so let me explain about depression and what i have experienced. i have come to understand within myself through the years that my depression was linked to self-dishonesty. Yes, whenever you depress you into a state of feeling down or sad or tired then what you are doing is stating that you have no directive principle (no direct power of self) to move and apply yourself, so taht you may ‘not experience depression. And of course that is self-dishonesty.

Now I realised also that within ‘depression’ there are factors to which I have allowed me to become depressed and these factors were pre-programmed by myself when I was Anu. Why do I say me -as Anu. Well we have to realise that Anu and co were merely showing each of us, who we really are. I mean look at Anu’s creation of this world: If he had not set us up for ‘failure’ this way, we would never quite have seen ourselves within oneness and equality as who we really are. So, was the design of man really a design or were we created in such a way so that we may become ourselves completely?

I suggest seeing as we are speaking frankly here, that you and I remember when we saw ourselves as ‘depressed’ people for the first time. You might remember a day when you realised your ‘depressed nature’ and said to yourself ‘shit man this is surely not who the fuck I am?’

So when I saw taht I was depressed as the nature of me, probably a few months ago, I also realised that it wont necesarily be ‘easy’, meaning a quick trip through the park, to sort this all out. I had realised what I had become and now what? What does one do? So I started seeing me for who i had become and each day when my depression pushes at me, as a designed pre-prgrammed button that pushes itself wherever, whever then I state clearly to myself: I will never again fall back into my old patterns. If I experience the ‘onset’ of my depression then I will move me until it goes away. Together with that I did forgiveness on who I had become (all the points of depression you realise exists within you) and also did forgiveness working through Verno’s structural resonance documents, as well as doing the forgivenessess on the forum. You will notice that depression is a sneaky thing. It comes from soo much ‘background’ chatter within your subconscious mind taht you are never even aware of what your mind is being programmed to react as. Because the subconscious runs in the background while you are only seeing the conscious thoughts and feelings, you are never quite aware even of why you become depressed!

So I did forgiveness on everything. There are examples on the forum, documents done by the dimensional beings, on forgiveness examples for: anger, sadness, mothers, fathers, family, fears, ego. I suggest run a search on the front page of the forum to find all posts on forgiveness and do all of them. When you read somebody’s post on forgiveness then I suggest take the opportunity to do your own forgiveness right there, what is relevent to you. Also while reading the Structural resonance documents, so forgiveness as you go along and see exactly what your own experience has been ‘in relation to what Veno is writing about’. You see that is the point of Veno’s articles is for each to read it and apply themselves within that according to what they see exists within them.

So for me each day I still have my moments where I slump into tiredness and depresiveness. This exists within my solar plexus area (beneath the chest area where the ribs end, above the stomach). I have from my childhood placed certain words and applications within this ‘sacred aread’ which each human has within them, where you go into when you are afraid, sad, angry etc. Each person has a ‘sacred place’ where we place words and feelings and thoughts who we project when we are afraid. My projections is my won way of fearing myself >Sounds funny I know but here goes: i project me as i am here, confident, alive, assued of myself. Then when I see who I have become before due to my assuredness and confidence then I shrink back and fall into this ‘sacred place’ where I have lost myself before. See the double conundrum bulshit? I see who I am now and I like me. Then I see who i have become before when I was demon possessed and afraid of nothing and then I state within me ‘ oh well i better watch myself from becoming afraid of who i have been before, because that was trouble for me. I never quite grasped the whole demon possession thing see and therefore I still see what i did as ‘bad and wrong and wreckless’. So with that in mind I then fall into a depresive state by seeing myself and becoming afraid. I am not saying that I would like to become demon possessed again, what i am saying is how i saw my own inner self – that is what I was afraid of. I see who i was then and that frightens me. So I go into my solar plexus filled with ideas, words and feeling about who I was and then WHAM – depression of self occurs because then I remain ‘safe’.

I suggest to you, look into yourself and write down what you fear about who you are. Remember that it is never about other people or situations, that ‘make us want to be depressed, although they do trigger fear within self: It is always about self fearing and being anxious about ME. Who will I be when I stand up for myself. Now that in itself should not scare anybody right? Well one would say that standing up for self is cool hey?

Then why do we fear it so? Well we are soo caught up in the bulshit of this world, the way we dress is designed from within our subconscious which feeds from the unconscious, the way we talk, our habits, our desires etc. then when we see who we really are ‘capable of being’ and we are still acting according to what the unconsciouss mind tells us – then we tend to sit back and rather play dumb. This is how we clear the unconsciouss see – we have to look at where the unconsciouss still directs us from being who we see ourselves to truly be – FREE from the unconscious. So, my message to you:

Don’t fear self-expression. Dont think about what you fear. The fear itself exists within your mind as an illusion. If you fear then you know that you have thoughts about the fear. I suggest apply forgiveness as suggested on EVERYTHING then state clearly to yourself that depression is only what you have accepted. Then dailey, and I mean dailey you push what you have just resisted. So, when you slump into ‘it’ then say to yourself ‘ok where did I just think about what i fear, therefore accessing my ‘special place’ within me and therefore accessing my depressive self. Then once you look back into what you said or did to bring forth depression then you do forgiveness on that and push through the resistenace of that moment. You say to yourself ‘ok I resisted this moment because of….. (do forgiveness). Then you say ‘I forgive myself for allowing the resistence within myself to exist’, then you push through the resistence by physically moving yourself in whatever form.

I realised this morning that when I slump into depression I must move me. Even if i jump out of my window screaming at the top of my lungs – that’s cool, because the movement of self through that tiredness is all that matters. You see, for me I have realised that I exist into foreverness (my own word I just created) with only me to exist AS, therefore when I see myself act depressed then i see who i wil be forever, see?

So I then discard that bulshit and I get up and I walk around the garden or i jump on my bed and laugh or i tickle Anthony until he begs for mercy, because the depression is not real. I am real as who I become as myself, but if I accept the depression as who I have become then that is what i will experience. So, I have placed this understanding within myself to dance, jump, sing whatever it takes to not experience this depression. WHy jump and sing? Well i am sure you get what i am saying already with regards to the decision that you make about who you have seen yourself to be, therefore….. the body is now showing you how to adjust yourself so that your thought generated ‘special place’ ( ha ha sounds rediculous I know) is never again in charge of sending out messages that you must act a certain way. You have now directed yourself to move and the body is there to assist you with that. That is why i jump up and down, because my body is showing me to move beyond my thoughts…Ha I see that now! Cool

i find that the only part that requires constant pushing of self, Steve is to realise in this moment and each moment who I AM. That is all

Ok, now you let me know how it goes, ok?


5 responses to “Depression of self

  1. Hi Andrea,

    You really nailed it — get up and physically move it!

    At some point years ago I came to the conclusion that I must have been born depressed (a nasty bit of pre-programming?!). A big black cloud that I couldn’t figure out but was always with me in varying degrees of visibility ready to pull me down.

    Soon after digesting the Desteni info last summer, the bulk of my depression dissolved. It was my profound fear of being totally lost for no clear reason that was addressed. Anyway, when I sense tinges of that familar black cloud, I have learned to get up immediately ! and physically move myself in a manner that jolts me out of it — self movement — just as you have said. I’m working on some residual depression issues, but now and until I can resolve the remaining bits, I have come to understand how to deal with it when it pulls.

    Thank you for sharing!

  2. Yes exactly. depression is something I have noticed you have to monitor and as you say, see where it gets triggered and then PUSH, like your giving birth.

    Ha ha, thanks for communicating

  3. Hi Andrea
    jumping is coool.I’m doing it myself,even when I’m in the city in the midle of the crowd som’times!

  4. Hi Kiki

    Yes mostly people tell me they find it hard to believe i’m 29. that is because i jump around and laugh and just enjoy being here and I push myself through physical movement.

    The ‘depression’ is definitely linked to certain thoughts and when I experience a drop in my body then I stop and look at what I was thinking about. Then I lift me from my stomach up. Mostly this works, unless I allow it to go to far and then I experience a heaviness. This heaviness I find comes from me chasing me all day to ‘do stuff’ and to do it well and then when you stop even for a moment you literally run out of mind consciousnes energy and the mind goes sleepy time and just switches off.

    So I have started pacing me and not chasing stuff to get it done and to be able to do more, to prove myself to me. Hey nobody is going to stand at the pearly gates congratulating me when I drop dead oneday, so I have only me to answer to.

  5. Yes,this is exactly what I’ve experiancced,trying to ‘push’ myself in order to prove something to myself,when there is nothing to.prove.

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