Well today I commited myself to something, just like when I bought a car – was big resistance point for me. I bought a horse. I have always enjoyed horse riding and have never been in a situation where I could get a horse and enjoy it’s time with me. So a few weeks ago the possibility opened up, as we will soon be moving to a small holding. Instead of me enjoying the possibility that presented itself I went into complete fear because I have always feared taking responsibility for a car and a horse. I have never trusted me to take such a ‘step’. So up until a aweek ago I was experiencing so much anxiety that I was considering not getting a horse. Then I sat down and I looked at my reason why. Now the reason why was partly finacial, partly fear of responsibility, partly fear of it diverting my attention.
I did self forgiveness on the fact that I had very little trust in myself to be able to take care of my animals and I did self forgiveness on the fear that I will fall into financial debt. Then I did a stange thing – strange for me because it was a decision that I made in a moment. We went to the SPCA and the lady there told us of another lady that has two horses she is looking for a home for. Now both Cerise (the other girl getting a horse with me) and I did not want to spend more than we would have at the SPCA because firstly we wanted to support the SPCA and secondly we are not all that ‘loaded’ (I forgive myself for allowing myself to consider monet of such value that I would participate in such a common nickname given by all that fear money, such as ‘loaded’). By that word I mean we dont have alot of savings to be able to go out and buy horses from people privately.
I took the number of this lady because quite frankly I had told the lady at the SPCA we could not afford much, so when she gave me the number I phoned not thinking the horse would cost more than an SPCA horse. When I phones here she told me about the horse and it’s companion pony she wanted to home together with it and she then told me the price of the horse. Not expensive but defenitely more than I had bargained for. I said that I wanted to look at him in anyway because one foot in the doore maybe is what we needed. So off Cerise and I went. At first I did not experience anything, in fact I was concerned that he would eventually become to wide for me, because of his breeding and I am more comfortable on narow horses because of a broken hip. I told here that this was my concern and that I would have to ‘keep him in mind’. The more we stood there chatting, the more I started to like this guy. He was different to any other horse I had ever trained, riden or taken care of and that started to tickle my fancy. So just from watching him and his kind, expressive, forgiving face I saw what it was ythat I indeed enjoyed in him. Funny thing is before I use to ride very flashy, mostly costly arabian horses and would have (I forgive myself) turned my nose up at such a horse. So there I stood, watching him and he was watching me. She suggested tyhat I maybe ride him and that will give me more insight into how my leg handles his width and if he were to set out more, could my leg handle it. I said ok I will get back to her.
I then asked her if she knew of somebody who had a bigger horse for Cerise but not to expensive(meaning between R3000 and R6000. She said oh yes, a lady close by has a lovely Thoroughbred, very gentle chap. So she aranged a quick visit and off we went. From my riding experience I had created a bit of a ‘dislike’ for thoroughbred. Let’s just say I did not want to be standing next to them, let alone ride one and handle it. When we arived there and I saw this horse I just ‘knew’ this was the horse for Cerise. I ‘liked’ him instantly. I was comfortable around him and felt no problem stroking his bum and standing near his legs, something I ussually avoided with thoroughbred (they are strong, skittish animals that act out and then stop to ask what happened, small people like me ussually get trampled). As we left I just said to her, that is the right horse. She also liked him lots and the only problem wa his price. We had not bargained on having to pay R10 000 for a horse. We came home and I suggested she see if she is able to loan money. So today we went there again, me to ride the horse I was looking at and for Cerise to see if she could get financing and make a final decision. I rode Polo and I was so very relaxed and ussually I dont relax the first time I ride a horse. I liked him. Then I asked myself the question. Do you want to ride this horse? Yes. Are you afraid of the responsibility? Yes. What would you have done in the past? Said no and cried for hours. So what did I do, I said yes.
I forgive myself for fearing my future
I forgive myself for fearing loss of income
i forgive myself for fearing what will happen to me and my animal companions if I have no where to go with no income
I forgive myself for existing in perpetual fear of loss and fear of myself and therefore always choosing the safest route
I forgive myself for asking to many questions. Should I, could I, what if, but….
I forgive myself for fearing this world and it’s laws and rules and that if I was to loose my focus something bad would happen to me
I forgive myself for still worrying about ‘did I have the right to do this? What if I have compromised myself and the animal and my other animals?
I forgive myself for not leaving behing all ideas and perceptions that I have about what I have to do and what i should not do, to be able to survive
I forgive myself for making decisions based on what other’s have told me would be in my best interest, and by this I mention that I assume that they mean this
I forgive myself for constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering if I have made a mistake, instead of being here and walking with whoever, wherever and be comfortable with me