Monthly Archives: March 2008

A big day for me

Well today I commited myself to something, just like when I bought a car – was big resistance point for me. I bought a horse. I have always enjoyed horse riding and have never been in a situation where I could get a horse and enjoy it’s time with me. So a few weeks ago the possibility opened up, as we will soon be moving to a small holding. Instead of me enjoying the possibility that presented itself I went into complete fear because I have always feared taking responsibility for a car and a horse. I have never trusted me to take such a ‘step’. So up until a aweek ago I was experiencing so much anxiety that I was considering not getting a horse. Then I sat down and I looked at my reason why. Now the reason why was partly finacial, partly fear of responsibility, partly fear of it diverting my attention.

I did self forgiveness on the fact that I had very little trust in myself to be able to take care of my animals and I did self forgiveness on the fear that I will fall into financial debt. Then I did a stange thing – strange for me because it was a decision that I made in a moment. We went to the SPCA and the lady there told us of another lady that has two horses she is looking for a home for. Now both Cerise (the other girl getting a horse with me) and I did not want to spend more than we would have at the SPCA because firstly we wanted to support the SPCA and secondly we are not all that ‘loaded’ (I forgive myself for allowing myself to consider monet of such value that I would participate in such a common nickname given by all that fear money, such as ‘loaded’). By that word I mean we dont have alot of savings to be able to go out and buy horses from people privately.

I took the number of this lady because quite frankly I had told the lady at the SPCA we could not afford much, so when she gave me the number I phoned not thinking the horse would cost more than an SPCA horse. When I phones here she told me about the horse and it’s companion pony she wanted to home together with it and she then told me the price of the horse. Not expensive but defenitely more than I had bargained for. I said that I wanted to look at him in anyway because one foot in the doore maybe is what we needed. So off Cerise and I went. At first I did not experience anything, in fact I was concerned that he would eventually become to wide for me, because of his breeding and I am more comfortable on narow horses because of a broken hip. I told here that this was my concern and that I would have to ‘keep him in mind’. The more we stood there chatting, the more I started to like this guy. He was different to any other horse I had ever trained, riden or taken care of and that started to tickle my fancy. So just from watching him and his kind, expressive, forgiving face I saw what it was ythat I indeed enjoyed in him. Funny thing is before I use to ride very flashy, mostly costly arabian horses and would have (I forgive myself) turned my nose up at such a horse. So there I stood, watching him and he was watching me. She suggested tyhat I maybe ride him and that will give me more insight into how my leg handles his width and if he were to set out more, could my leg handle it. I said ok I will get back to her.

I then asked her if she knew of somebody who had a bigger horse for Cerise but not to expensive(meaning between R3000 and R6000. She said oh yes, a lady close by has a lovely Thoroughbred, very gentle chap. So she aranged a quick visit and off we went. From my riding experience I had created a bit of a ‘dislike’ for thoroughbred. Let’s just say I did not want to be standing next to them, let alone ride one and handle it. When we arived there and I saw this horse I just ‘knew’ this was the horse for Cerise. I ‘liked’ him instantly. I was comfortable around him and felt no problem stroking his bum and standing near his legs, something I ussually avoided with thoroughbred (they are strong, skittish animals that act out and then stop to ask what happened, small people like me ussually get trampled). As we left I just said to her, that is the right horse. She also liked him lots and the only problem wa his price. We had not bargained on having to pay R10 000 for a horse. We came home and I suggested she see if she is able to loan money. So today we went there again, me to ride the horse I was looking at and for Cerise to see if she could get financing and make a final decision. I rode Polo and I was so very relaxed and ussually I dont relax the first time I ride a horse. I liked him. Then I asked myself the question. Do you want to ride this horse? Yes. Are you afraid of the responsibility? Yes. What would you have done in the past? Said no and cried for hours. So what did I do, I said yes.

 I forgive myself for fearing my future

I forgive myself for fearing loss of income

i forgive myself for fearing what will happen to me and my animal companions if I have no where to go with no income

I forgive myself for existing in perpetual fear of loss and fear of myself and therefore always choosing the safest route

I forgive myself for asking to many questions. Should I, could I, what if, but….

I forgive myself for fearing this world and it’s laws and rules and that if I was to loose my focus something bad would happen to me

I forgive myself for still worrying about ‘did I have the right to do this? What if I have compromised myself and the animal and my other animals?

I forgive myself for not leaving behing all ideas and perceptions that I have about what I have to do and what i should not do, to be able to survive

I forgive myself for making decisions based on what other’s have told me would be in my best interest, and by this I mention that I assume that they mean this

I forgive myself for constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering if I have made a mistake, instead of being here and walking with whoever, wherever and be comfortable with me

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Fear of Dying

Fear of death and fear of Illness and fear of Pain. I have also come to understand about myself that I have very little desire to be in the dimensions. I realise that I am looking for an excuse not to have to go into the dimensions, but I have come to realise as well that I dont actually want to be there. I see how it assists you in the seeing and releasing of constructs and systems. I do however have a fear of not having control, control of my body. My body is of course not to be controled but I am afraid that something will happen to my body if I leave it. What will happen to me if I go into the dimenions? Will I be able to handle that which we are tested with. I dont like alternate realities where you create your worst fears and hane to live them. I have created some hectic fears in this life time already and I did not enjoy the experience. I did not enjoy the fact that I simulated the experience in which I had to go through such things. So I have not wanted to leave my body. For the first time in my ‘life’ I actually want to be in my body and enjiy the experience of me here. Does it mean that I limit my experience here because of my limitation and fear – yes. I am so busy fearing the loss of control, the what if’s and the but I must protect me, that I dont live in the small moments that present themselves. Possibly right now I have just deluded myself into wanting to stay in my body even more. But if I saty here then I will express myself.

 So you actually have to drive the fear of death into yourself before you express that which you would like to. Then another question to myself: what is this expression I so speak of and is it an excuse to not have to leave my body? I want to do things which I have always wanted to gift myself since I was a wee lass. Now that the opportunity is here to do that (possibly) I fear that it will destract me from what I am doing now. Focussing on what? Should I be foccussing on leaving my body. Well apparently yes. From this perspective I see it: We are not able to stop our bloody minds so therefore being interdimensional is the only way that we will be able to see what we do to ourselves and sort ourselves out dimensionally instead of toturing our 3D selves as we are doing currently. So do I express me here in 3D or do i focus on leaving my body. Now I feel like crying because I fear making a mistake. What would be the right thing to do? To of curse stop manifesting this world through what goes on inside me, and if that means leavi8ng your body then so be it. I made that sound like a death sentence – ha ha.

 I make it sound as if I am very sad to leave my body as if I am leaving a friend behind. I feel torn between what I would like to express here in 3D and what I see must be done to assist me even more. It has bothered me some time now. Will not expressing me and focussing on my interdimensionality make me fear it less – no – my starting point is dishonest because I am doing it only because I feel obliged to do it. Like it is so bad for all of us that we even have to leave our body’s. God what the fuck have we done for it to have gotten to this point.

But as I write that I see that it is not a punishment but a way for us to assist ourselves. I still however do not feel any better about the decisions to make. Do I express me here now where an opportunity has presented itself or do I focus on what will assist me to remove systems and constructs from my human physical body and will assist me in transcending my mind. Have I seperated myself so much fromk my dam mind that I fear it and have to leave the body to be able to remove it’s constructs? I sometimes feel so blessed to have a moment where I feel nothing, no need to go, no need to stay. Even if I am only experiencing a feeling of what it would be like to not have to do anything – just be here. But taht would mean that I am forgetting what I have created in this world. That is not cool. The mind wants to go off and play. I dont feel as if I have clarity on this. I feel as if whichever I pick I am limiting myself in something else. Is there a way to do both? Not from what I have seen. Maybe a tad dramatic but I see leaving the body as a full time commitment that keeps the Portal busy all day. I will see what steps forth because I am sick to fucking death of being afraid of me and the decisions I make. So whatever presents itself in the next few weeks I will go through because right now I dont have an answer. I have not done either one.. So perhaps in the next few weeks I will experience some things and see if what I decided was best for me or just another mind fuck

I forgive myself for fearing the decisions that I make

I forgive myself for fearing having to make a decision and not feel guilty about it

I forgive myself for forgetting about this world and wanting to express myself

I forgive myself for not worrying as much as I probably should be about this world

I forgive myself for not trusting the decisions taht i make

I forgive myself for being so strict with myself that I believe that all decisions that I make are wrong

I give myself permission to make a decision and live in the moment and whatever the result trust me and trust me to be here as the breath