Fear of death and fear of Illness and fear of Pain. I have also come to understand about myself that I have very little desire to be in the dimensions. I realise that I am looking for an excuse not to have to go into the dimensions, but I have come to realise as well that I dont actually want to be there. I see how it assists you in the seeing and releasing of constructs and systems. I do however have a fear of not having control, control of my body. My body is of course not to be controled but I am afraid that something will happen to my body if I leave it. What will happen to me if I go into the dimenions? Will I be able to handle that which we are tested with. I dont like alternate realities where you create your worst fears and hane to live them. I have created some hectic fears in this life time already and I did not enjoy the experience. I did not enjoy the fact that I simulated the experience in which I had to go through such things. So I have not wanted to leave my body. For the first time in my ‘life’ I actually want to be in my body and enjiy the experience of me here. Does it mean that I limit my experience here because of my limitation and fear – yes. I am so busy fearing the loss of control, the what if’s and the but I must protect me, that I dont live in the small moments that present themselves. Possibly right now I have just deluded myself into wanting to stay in my body even more. But if I saty here then I will express myself.
So you actually have to drive the fear of death into yourself before you express that which you would like to. Then another question to myself: what is this expression I so speak of and is it an excuse to not have to leave my body? I want to do things which I have always wanted to gift myself since I was a wee lass. Now that the opportunity is here to do that (possibly) I fear that it will destract me from what I am doing now. Focussing on what? Should I be foccussing on leaving my body. Well apparently yes. From this perspective I see it: We are not able to stop our bloody minds so therefore being interdimensional is the only way that we will be able to see what we do to ourselves and sort ourselves out dimensionally instead of toturing our 3D selves as we are doing currently. So do I express me here in 3D or do i focus on leaving my body. Now I feel like crying because I fear making a mistake. What would be the right thing to do? To of curse stop manifesting this world through what goes on inside me, and if that means leavi8ng your body then so be it. I made that sound like a death sentence – ha ha.
I make it sound as if I am very sad to leave my body as if I am leaving a friend behind. I feel torn between what I would like to express here in 3D and what I see must be done to assist me even more. It has bothered me some time now. Will not expressing me and focussing on my interdimensionality make me fear it less – no – my starting point is dishonest because I am doing it only because I feel obliged to do it. Like it is so bad for all of us that we even have to leave our body’s. God what the fuck have we done for it to have gotten to this point.
But as I write that I see that it is not a punishment but a way for us to assist ourselves. I still however do not feel any better about the decisions to make. Do I express me here now where an opportunity has presented itself or do I focus on what will assist me to remove systems and constructs from my human physical body and will assist me in transcending my mind. Have I seperated myself so much fromk my dam mind that I fear it and have to leave the body to be able to remove it’s constructs? I sometimes feel so blessed to have a moment where I feel nothing, no need to go, no need to stay. Even if I am only experiencing a feeling of what it would be like to not have to do anything – just be here. But taht would mean that I am forgetting what I have created in this world. That is not cool. The mind wants to go off and play. I dont feel as if I have clarity on this. I feel as if whichever I pick I am limiting myself in something else. Is there a way to do both? Not from what I have seen. Maybe a tad dramatic but I see leaving the body as a full time commitment that keeps the Portal busy all day. I will see what steps forth because I am sick to fucking death of being afraid of me and the decisions I make. So whatever presents itself in the next few weeks I will go through because right now I dont have an answer. I have not done either one.. So perhaps in the next few weeks I will experience some things and see if what I decided was best for me or just another mind fuck
I forgive myself for fearing the decisions that I make
I forgive myself for fearing having to make a decision and not feel guilty about it
I forgive myself for forgetting about this world and wanting to express myself
I forgive myself for not worrying as much as I probably should be about this world
I forgive myself for not trusting the decisions taht i make
I forgive myself for being so strict with myself that I believe that all decisions that I make are wrong
I give myself permission to make a decision and live in the moment and whatever the result trust me and trust me to be here as the breath