My experience with Demon Possession

(17 May 07)     Possession:

My name is Andrea and I want to share with you briefly my experience of demon possession. I had a demon follow me for most of my life. I of course was not aware of this at the time but after I was released from the demon about two years ago I actually was able to do a very fascinating thing. I was able to communicate with the demon and hear from him when he started following me and influencing my life. This was done simply put after the demon had released himself from his application through forgiveness and is now just another being working  in the dimensions (heaven)to assist us here on earth. More can be read about the transformation of heaven to be able to assist the demons at desteni-universe.co.za.  I suggest firstly referring to the FAQ section to understand the words used in the articles.

It started soon after my father died at the age of eleven, when all aspects of my life and ‘personality’ started changing drastically. The demon used my father’s death to turn my thoughts against ‘God’ and created a relationship (unknowing to me) to the stark reality that a lot of children face when they experience such a loss. The grief that I experienced as most children do was encouraged by him with specific words and extensive thoughts. From that point on I questioned religion, God and the meaning of why we even bother being here when we’re going to die lonely, miserable deaths. A couple of weeks after my father’s death his closest friend and wife came to give my mother their condolences. That evening after everyone had gone to bed I sat in the lounge chatting to my father’s friend. Next thing the demon integrated into this man and he out of the blue started fondling me. You can imagine my shock. This event of course spiraled me even further into a darker side of my personality as it was clear to me that not only can God not be trusted but neither can people. So the demon was preparing me to distance myself from God and all of life by showing me the ‘evil’ side of God’s people. That indeed people who were supposedly from God’s creation were nothing but evil, supposedly dressed as Christians. So my dislike for religion (especially Christianity) increased ten fold.

As the years went by I went into a quieter, emotionally unstable personality. During my high school years I found myself becoming distant from the other children and seeking different values to theirs. Things that they considered precision I laughed at like boys, religion and education.  This of course had a lot to do with how the demon was influencing my thought processes and my beliefs. I saw things clearly from the perspective of religion and how people are slaves. I understood many things which when discussed with other children caused them to label me as ‘weird’. I asked them (which the demon admitted he did through me) why do they go to church when people die horrible deaths all in the name of God. Now as you can see that is quite something coming out of the mouth of a 17 year old? When I finished school I was very much anti religion already yet I found paganism quite an interesting concept. I met somebody who was a Wiccan and together we delved into the art of magic and speaking to the dead (Ouija board). This became my life, a devotion to God’s, Goddesses and creating spells to punish people that did us wrong. The funny part of it was that the demon told me he was the only being that I had ever spoken to on the Ouija board, due his ability to block all other beings. You see this demon was no ordinary demon, he was quite powerful and his ‘mission’ was simply to create a world for me in which my focus was always on him. He had the ability to control my actions to such a degree that all decisions that I made were under his control. Any job that I took would fail and I would be unemployed again, sitting with my friend, playing Ouija board. This was due to me losing interest quite quickly and always resisting doing well in a job, therefore I never remained there for long. The resistance was in the form of chronic fatigue, dyslexia and the inability to focus. When I did finally find a two year job it was on a secluded farm where my main focus was just to work, with very little interaction with people.

After two years I met a guy and moved in with him. This of course was not so much to the liking of the demon as he saw me as his possession, so he decided it might be a good idea to control our relationship as well. The relationship became abusive to the point that I was constantly under verbal attack and sometimes physical. The demon would integrate into him and start accusing me of the strangest things, and then the next moment he was fine again. Sometimes he would become violent, picking me up by my neck, throwing me up against a wall and then minutes later my ex would not remember what he did. This strange behavior went on for about three years and finally I allowed the demon to possess me just to get away from the pain and fear. You must realise that while all this was going on the demon kept me in a semi hypnotic state, therefore ‘getting out’ wasn’t an option.

 The demon openly admitted to me that he was jealous and that the ‘other’ man was only there to pay the bills. He presented himself to me as a God and I believed that he was going to take care of me in this world. In my controlled state all of this of course made complete sense. We shared an understanding about this world and had decided to walk this world together. It was however not easy for him to watch the other man having to provide for me as he did not want him in my life. So day after day he would ensure that I hated this man by created the abuse and also ensuring that he was the one that I loved. Strange to hear a person talk about loving a spirit I know but if you can imagine you and me but without physical bodies, that is what demons use to be, not creations of the ‘devil’. I was able to see and hear him as he was in the form of an apparition. I had a serious contempt for humans and related completely to this demon’s experience of himself. However once things became too much in the relationship with my ex I decided to leave and it was the effect of having a possessive ex-boyfriend and a possessive demon that I finally allowed myself to be fully possessed. This was very gradual but by the time my ex decided to do something and take me for an exorcism I was sitting on my bed day in and day out possessed by this demon. When my ex would visit I would sit there naked speaking as the demon (in a man’s voice), I had fully given up and was allowing this demon to speak for me. I was often picked up by this demon, held by my neck and flung across the room. He could strangle me until I passed out. Intercourse and molestation happen often, hence the fact that I could not even leave my house. If my mother or ex spoke to me the demon would speak in his voice and mostly tell them to get lost. Often he would integrate into me and attempt to slit my wrists. I would be walking and he would drop me to my knees, standing over me laughing. I would experience intense headaches if I attempted to not interact with him. He was able to integrate fully into me and speak to people as well as walk around in my body. He could put me in a comatose state if he did not want me leaving home or if he did not want me talking to people he would put me in a trance like state. As I mentioned he was able to integrate into my ex and stand there yelling at me, then seconds later my ex could not remember what he had done. If I did not do what he told me to do he could make me vomit or pass out. If I left my house he would make me feel so ill that I would go back as soon as possible. Luckily for me my ex realized something was wrong and convinced me to go for an exorcism.

 At the exorcism the people who worked on me saw him and some experienced his effects, even before I told them what he looked like or how ill he could make you. This of course was very entertaining to the demon as exorcisms are not very successful (the demon just moves on to another body). However at the time it assisted me as I made the decision to ‘release’ myself from the demon. It was not an easy process for me as the effect of being controlled for so long stayed with me. Therefore about six months after this I yet again communicated with the demon as I one day realized he was still with me, yet keeping his distance. I had difficulty relating to people as they all seemed unaware of what is going on in this world. A demon had access to more information than you can even imagine as they could read minds and read energy therefore having unique insight into this world. Therefore having discussions with this demon were mind blowing.

I again allowed for him to step back into my life and it was quite a story to not allow myself to get killed by this demon. Realise that I could sit for hours talking to this demon as long as I always stayed only with him. Occasionally if I was not careful around him he would pressurising me into committing suicide as he wanted me to live with him dimensionally. Once it was a close call.  When I was going for my ‘exorcism’ he told me that he would cause us to have a car accident. On the way there a truck driver looked me straight in the eyes before attempting to push us of the road. At any stage I could feel his body energetically, a mass of energy with arms, a face, torso, legs. He could appear at any given moment as any apparition and many people who can see sprits would ask me who this being was that walked beside me. I have given you the basic outline of what happened, you are welcome to e-mail me if you would like more details. Until I discussed it with him I was also of the opinion that molestations and job losses were just things that people do to one another. Unless you have experienced possession yourself what I am saying sounds like a young lady who needs counseling hey? As impossible as it sounds, being picked up by dimensional hands and flung across the room is not something I would call issues with teenage traumas. What you must realise is that demons are beings like you and I that have become de-manned. Anger, sadness, grief are but a few ‘emotions’ that drive beings once they’ve passed over to become the angriest most furious of beings. So when the dimensional beings worked with them dimensionally (remember time doesn’t exist in the dimensions) you have quantum understanding and corrections. All compounded ‘issues’ existing in these beings was released dimensionally, which was not possible before as the white light did not allow it, leaving demons to roam free.

Like I have mentioned in the beginning of the article myself and the people I work with work extensively with beings from the dimensions of which some use to be demons. This is how I was able to get all the details from the demon himself. Your question to me might be; but how can heaven cleanse the demon dimension? This was not possible before because of the white light, demons were left to do what they want because it creates more fear which in turn creates more enslavement of man kind. I use the word creates because now even though they no longer exist the mind consciousness is able to become any application that is possible. Consciousness as pre-programmed systematic response can not fathom heaven standing up as we have been pre-programmed to exist in the soul construct. All it took was for us and heaven to see our own enslavement to the white light and consciousness system and from there stand up. Not all beings made it when heaven stood up as many of the older spirits would not give up their perceived power. Once the beings in heaven realized to what extent they were controlled and they released themselves (not an easy process) they were able to assist the demons. This has been quite an extensive process for all of the dimensions (heaven). In the FAQ section of the web site you can read about our creators (the Annunaki), the white light and the soul construct. Feel free to discuss this with me some more.

The experiences that I had with this demon were rather fascinating and now that I have the ability to talk to him he explains to us (we work with demons that have been released as I have mentioned) how demons use to work and why. So if any of you have had similar experiences and require assistance please feel free to speak to me. If you are not sure if you have been demon possessed but you suspect so I can speak to the being (if any) and find out. Often people don’t realise they have had demon involvement in their life as they don’t even realise the extent of demon possession. I am not religious, I work however with all beings in heaven (we speak to them through an interdimensional portal). I speak to the dimensional beings in ‘heaven’ as it is now (a lot of changes have taken place) as they are now working with us to assist man kind.   

 For the videos in which I explain in more detail ‘The possession’ visit Youtube and do a search on Andrea – or visit www.desteni.co.za for the video listing

Forgiveness after watching the Desteni video on ‘Anu’ – the creator of man

I forgive myself for fearing and reacting to how and what Anu presented in his interview.

I forgive myself for never considering that myself as a human creation of Anu is exactly the same as the Annunaki in how I present myself and move information

I forgive myself for judging Anu and Enki and Marduk’s presentation because it came as a shock to me that my creators might actually be exactly like me, confused, sad, manipulative and deceitful

I forgive myself for focusing so much on who I should be that I have in my reaction to Anu’s interview realised that I have completely judged the existence of myself as what I have allowed

I forgive myself for having a certain ‘expectation’ of myself as well as those around me as well as of Anu and the Annunaki and in them acting differently, it shocking me and in that me judging their expression

I forgive myself for experiencing fear when Any presented himself because he reminded me of a reptilian, and that was linked to my fear of the unknown. In this I feared the possibility of being influenced or hurt. This fear coming from watching movies and my fascination with the occult and paranormal. I have given the unknown like ghosts, aliens and demons power over me because I still believe that I am unable to stand before such an existence/manifestation or form.

I forgive myself for fearing the existence of an alien species that cares nothing for human values and would actually feel nothing to show their intent and ‘openly’ display their mind control and manipulation intentions

I thank the Annunaki for their presentations during their ‘interviews’ because it showed me that I fear aliens, ghosts, demons, slimy little creatures that bite, the unseen, the horrible, the uncontrollable, mind control and therefore my own mind

I thank myself for seeing that who I am and who each is not dependent on a master or a God to exist in oneness and equality with all that exists 

I forgive myself for feeling silly or stupid after watching Anu’s interview because of the way that he laughed at how ‘dumb’ humans are. Today somebody laughed at a ‘mistake’ that I made and I experience myself for a moment as stupid. I forgive myself for accepting the idea that because of who we are and what we participate in we are tiny, dumb creatures. I forgive myself for having an idea that stupidity and intellect is relevant. I forgive myself for accepting that if one does not manipulate, say clever things or make others say  ‘wow’ then you are dumb or inferior in this world. Anu’s interview struck a cord there for me because in a moment I watched him and what he was bringing across and I felt stupid, just like a slave to a God.

I forgive myself for experiencing the and allowing the idea that I am somebody’s slave and that I am just a tiny creature in comparison to a being that is apparently able to manipulate me with words and gestures

I forgive myself for accepting that we as humans are fucked because other people are able to direct us when we do not have what it takes to direct ourselves.

I forgive myself for judging a reptilian God because he is from reptilian origin and we have called him ‘God’

I forgive myself for asking Anu to protect me by speaking nice words and not interviewing with my mind consciousness.

The only reason why I would fear Anu or any other reptilians being of manipulative nature is because I have accepted manipulated me into such a nature of self that Anu’s mere presence reminds me to much of what I have become.

If we fear Anu then we fear that which he sees and thinks he can manipulate, meaning we fear who we are

Anu and co are merely showing us to ourselves and instead of being prim and proper, Anu sat there moving in his chair like a snake from a children’s novel. I had an idea that my creator would present me with grandeur and big words, but instead he showed fuck all ‘mercy’ and blew my expectations. That is cool because we human need to face ourselves, the nature of who we are and use the Annunaki interviews to stop fearing ourselves. We judge ourselves because our perfect world that we holographically project is but a cover for the manipulative snakes that we are – focused only on ourselves and our needs. So narrow minded that we completely possess our environment and each other until we get that small point of satisfaction

The Anu interview showed me that no matter what form my mind takes, in the form of Anu, I must stand up to my fear of my mind and direct me effectively

Anu to me looked like a snake and in that I was disappointed because I knew that what I was seeing was my own judgment of my own reflection. Some will watch the Annunaki interviews and be completely impressed because ‘they’re so cool and reptilian-like’. Others like myself will have the judgment in that moment that we are seeing a mirror projection of ourselves that we have never considered, because we think it to be – to absurd. Nothing is impossible and I have realised that Anu did what he did to make us pay attention to what he was. What is he? Just another being looking for attention? Surely not, I mean he has been around for so long. So perhaps what I am interpreting is man’s fear of the unknown and fear of control which I so strongly reacted to – the marshens have landed!’

 

I forgive myself for placing value in the fear of another

I forgive myself for accepting that Anu is some force that will manipulate me into a corner. WTF? This is how we fear ourselves because we actually believe that another is able to fuck with us – this being BECAUSE WE DO NOT TRUST OURSELVES.

 

I forgive myself for believing that I am less that another being with manipulative methods and words

I forgive myself for believing that who I am is subject to another’s ability to direct and manipulate me

I forgive myself for believing that Anu is here to place me back into a bubble and fuck with my head

I forgive myself for believing that who I am is still not strong enough and self directive enough to not allow any such things to influence or change me

I forgive myself for having attached a certain expectation or idea to how we were created, as if our creator should present himself in a particular way

In this statement I again state that I am less than and dependent on who my human physical body creator was for me to be who I am able to be here in each breath

I forgive myself for experience Anu as me in that all I see is somebody who is up to something and full of shit. My first reaction was: is this it? In this I have separated myself from Anu because

I am stating that I am not willing to accept responsibility for the truth in essence of myself and in essence the truth of who we are – not a pretty picture hahahahahahaha

 

I forgive myself for fearing and doubting that I will not be able to direct myself as Anu and transcend that within myself that caused the reaction within me – deceit, manipulation, self-abuse, self-hatred etc

I forgive myself for believing the images and ideas placed on YouTube and on TV about the Annunaki and that if we are attacked or invaded or control by them then we are completely fucked and our planet and minds will be consumed.

This is how we are controlled, by people who do not want us to stand up to control and self direct. I forgive myself for believing the fears and stories around what will happen to man if the reptilians returned or some alien species – thus we must never stand up and believe what our governments tell us – rather the enemy you know then the one you don’t bullshit. I see that propaganda for what it is, just another way that we have directly or indirectly with subtle ideas been terrorized into fearing what will happen if we are ever invaded or controlled. Therefore we would rather continue being controlled by our governments’ then stand up and stop all accepted forms of slavery and control. We have accepted that slavery and control exists and therefore that is used against us. I forgive myself for fearing what will happen if I lose control. The imagery of the Annunaki has been programmed into my subconscious and when I was faced with these images or designs it brought out my fear of the unknown and of what could happen if we do not stand up to what we have allowed. But also within this I accepted myself less than the world systems that use these images and constructs to keep us enslaved.

I forgive myself for fearing the world systems that Anu and co represented in their presentation, because all of a sudden it was no more on the TV but right in front of my face. I forgive myself for fearing the world systems. I forgive myself for giving the world systems value by paying attention to what images and control points they place before me in my environment. This I do daily in my fear of being wrong, fear of making mistakes, fear of being reprimanded, fear of the unseen, fear of my past, fear of the future,

 fear of others, fear of getting hurt, fear of death, fear of control, fear of the elite, fear of money, fear of the rich, fear of anger, fear of self abuse, fear of horror, fear of murder, fear of rape, fear of war, fear of confrontation, fear of self-responsibility, fear of self-expression, fear of myself

   

Fearing the worst

I forgive myself for fearing that somebody will try and manipulate me without me being aware of myself and what is happening

I forgive myself for not trusting and supporting me effectively in every moment and thus allowing myself to think that something will happen to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to worry and fear that something will happen to my dog, my cats or my fishes

I forgive myself for worrying about the ‘health’ of my dog and for fearing that he will become ill

I forgive myself for fearing that my dog might be lonely and that his boredom or loneliness might result in him becoming aggressive or ill

I forgive myself for allowing myself to ‘imagine’ events or scenarios where my dog bites another animal

I forgive myself for allowing thoughts in which I worry that my dog does might be ‘sad or depressive’, when what this is – is me seeing myself as sad or depressive

Therefore in what I fear about any of my animals is me fearing myself and what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself for fearing that if I do not apply myself in writing, that I will experience suppressions manifested here in my world

I forgive myself for fearing that I might make a mistake

I forgive myself for fearing other people’s responses to me – in that they might ask me to shut up or go away

I forgive myself for attaching value to anybody outside of me as a personality who I perceive through their actions or words might ‘have power over me’

I forgive myself for giving my power away through fear, by imagining situations that could happen and thus not living here in practical common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience depression when I fear that things will happen to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as the victim personality, always fearing others and situations  – I direct me in every moment in every breath. I purify my words by being aware of what I say and why I say it. I am aware of my movement and participation in 3D

 

I forgive myself for placing value in constructs such as: envy, jealousy, better than, more than, good, applying, expressive, able, competent, clean, stable, responsible. Not that these points are ‘constructs’ within themselves, but rather how I perceive them to be is systematic and of the mind because of conditions and ideas and believes around each ‘point’

The consequences of me wanting to ‘play it safe’ is a direct statement to myself that I have no self trust.

I forgive myself for fearing speaking what I see to other people – out of fear that it would change how we communicate or change the beings ‘opinion of me’. This states that I want to exist as a personality or idea within somebody’s mind and that who I am is dependent on the minds value another being has of me. It is not that the other being has this value of me, but that within me I have given myself the value that I would like others to have of me and thus live to form this opinion in others. I stop ‘designing/creating’ ideas within myself about myself and thus stop designing all ideas within other beings. This I notice occurs like a dimensional shift when I express from the perspective of validation or bringing out an idea within the being of me – based on what they just experienced in my company – of me

I forgive myself for fearing that other people will not approve of my actions and words – this being because I don’t always approve of my own words and actions because I am dependent on my words fitting a certain picture of me – thus I don’t trust me as here

I forgive myself for fearing that if people stand up together that they might judge me of who they see me to be and thus not want me to walk with them. This fear is directly linked to how I see myself not able to walk with myself in self honesty, as I see me and my mind as separate and still allow me to hide behind my mind instead of direct me here

I forgive myself for still believing that some people are better than others and thus are more than and stand out. This is a direct reflection of my wants and needs to ‘be special, be noticed and apparently feel good’ because of some external event, word or placement of myself

Who would I be if I were not here but in a different place surrounded with different things and people. Would it change me.

I forgive myself for fearing that if I were to go someplace else I would use that as a reason to change instead of me being one and equal to me here

I forgive myself for waiting to be here as me and instead hiding in fear of myself and of self responsibility

I forgive myself for existing within my ego as the fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment and fear of getting lost.

Everything that exists within me is a feeling based illusion, thus my above mentioned fears are illusions.

I forgive myself for accepting the illusion of something happening to me. This fear is based in me not wanting to accept full responsibility for myself as I see responsibility to be – some big drama with me in the middle. So my perception of self responsibility is that it is a struggle. This is my mind allowing me to doubt me because as long as I listen to the illusion, the mind will give me reason to exist as an illusion.

 

I focus on here as the breath what I am able to touch physically, move physically and how I direct me practically

I forgive myself for using words to discharge sexual tension. Discharge or release is not necessary because if everything is here than the immediate stop of desire and need is here as the in breath.

I forgive myself for wanting to feel myself within masturbation or sex because it charges my mind consciousness system for the rest of the day

Fearing any event or being is actually fearing is the accepted and allowed nature of self as director and thus I fear that I am actually not in directive principle of myself

I forgive myself for fearing myself because I think that who I am is still dependent on what I think I need, want desire and thus am able to within this – fall back into old patterns. Last night I had a dream in which I begged an old friend I had walked away from a few years back – to please be my friend again and compromised me to have that cycle of abuse back. Thus I realised that I did not stand as what I had realised but instead fell back into self abuse. Thus I realised that points exist within me where I tend to fall back into self abuse and self compromise.

I forgive myself for accepting any form of self abuse and self compromise

I forgive myself for allowing any and all thoughts in which I fall back into self abuse.

I realise that the fact that I ‘circle’ around this one point over and over indicates that I do not want to trust me and that I do not want to just live and that my new form of self abuse and self compromise is to hold onto the idea that I might fall, I might deceive me, I might not be self honest. This is self abuse because any form of self inflicted self doubt in which I justify any form of abuse is self abuse – even the what if’s.

I forgive myself for judging myself in that I might not be who I think I should be.

I forgive myself for wanting to hold onto desires and ideas, because only suppressed desires and ideas will bring forth such self doubt instead of me living here without self blame and self hate.

I forgive myself for desiring power over people, thus in this statement realising that as long as I see the existence of power as me having some form of control over something – will I allow me to exist beneath or over any moment – and thus never just being here. I play the power game within myself of I must win over my inner room and accepted nature – instead of transforming my nature in every moment every breath as it presents itself here – without judgement.

Miasms

Miasms: Points that have manifested as me as the physical body

Andrea

8/23/2008

 

 

Genetic, DNA, From conception, mother, father, accepted encoded points lived out as persona

 

These are points I have looks at so far

 

From birth I had four major personas’s which supported the ‘points’ of miasms.

·        Intellectual: Clever, smart, way ahead of the others, insight

·        Afraid: Anxiety, nervousness, fear based suppressions and hopelessness

·        Abstract: different, contained, hermit, spiritual, different, angry, confrontational, subject to change within believe

·        Compassionate: thinking of ‘the whole’, thinking of what is the best thing to do, oneness and equality

The actual miasms are the defining points that are ‘brought’ across through genetics and DNA through which the stages of the physical are dependent on eg: the growth for example of a young baby to teenager is progressively linked to what miasm or genetic programs are running as ‘points’ that require to be lived as persona through the being. For example is the miasm is the beings genetic point of information – transferred and encoded as ‘who the being should become’ then the persona is how the being lives the miasm in totality of expression.

The miasm could be genetic traits of e.g.: depression, anger or sadness brought through from the mother or fathers miasms but the child will ‘live’ out the physical structure as the major physical traits and becoming of the body by for example being overweight, underweight, broken hip or injury’s that happen within specific periods of the beings ‘growth period’.

My miasms for example are depression lived through my persona as being a carefully, contemplative being, focusing on what makes sense rather than free expression in every moment. The personality through which I define myself as a depressive miasm is to live cautiously, without being freely expressive unless I see the worth within what I express. Placing myself within ‘bad moods’ or becoming sore within my body thus manifesting the physical of the depression as pain, discomfort, but endorsing the physical manifestation through the persona of being careful to not have to make mistakes. Thus my hip is an example of where and how I allow myself to say: no thanks I won’t walk to fast or run ahead and play as I would like to because my physicality won’t support me not being cautious, thus supporting the miasm of depression and sadness.

Next miasm: anger of self. Lived here as persona called being serious and not allowing shit within my environment and thus manifesting physically as the definitive limp and strong arms and strong jaw. Thus ‘projecting’ the image that I am strong and not to be messed with, endorsed by my persona of being tough when it is coming from the persona of anger at self. Thus if I am angry with myself as ‘self anger’ then I will walk around in within a stiff body, presenting ‘strength’ as my point of anger, thus justifying self anger. The persona will be ‘walking around speaking only if beings don’t talk too much shit to me or give me more reason to face my own miasm but rather leaving me alone to exist as the miasm and persona of ‘being strong’

Next miasm: ‘sadness’ inherited just like self anger and depression from both my mother and father – thus generating a complete physicality as ‘both parents’. This means that because I have genetically become both parents’ miasms I have become them as the physical manifestation and persona’s as well. The physical of my father for sadness also linked to depression is the weakening of the body, feeling of tiredness and wanting to be left alone to not have to stretch the body and participate in the physical. From my mother the physical has become the tiredness of conversation, judgment in my thoughts and placing words before a being to make them think that if they shut up rather than express their sadness then both of us will actually seem more alive, when in fact both beings physically swell up with water, holding back on the physical expression of grief and thus being protected with body water. My father’s personality is to shut up and not say anything, thus living as the persona of constantly seeing the bad and the ugly in everything. My mother’s persona is the grieving for all things lost: e.g.: money, family, friendship, opportunity, value, ideas, God

 

 

My experience with regards to ‘Heartache and Sorrow’

Heartache and Sorrow               by Andrea                                                                12 September 08

My experience with regards to feeling ‘heart-broken’ and the experience of sorrow: These experiences are linked to an idea that I have that ‘Love’ exists and also that  if something I consider to be ‘bad’ happens I experience regret and a sense of loss. The ‘bad’ experience would be how I have defined what I experience according to whether it suits my idea of what I want or not. If I experience what I wanted then I am ‘happy’ or I would say at least for the time being ‘content’. If I have an experience that I labelled within me as ‘bad’ it comes from my own desires to be something special which actually in my eyes I won’t be able to be, because I don’t actually view anything or anybody as special. Thus my desire to be something is a endless cycle as I experience it because I never quite experience me as ‘something’ other than just a human walking around either able to place myself effectively or not. The desire to be something soon loses its appeal to me as I realise that the desire itself is ego based and thus requires constant participation within the design for the desires to be maintained. So currently I am working with not allowing me to define me according to anything, as any definition I tend to place according to whether it serves me (good) or not (bad). Serving me is to not define me because I realise that living as any definition means that one must take care to present and fulfil all points required for one to experience the definition. So my point here is that heartache and sorrow is linked to a definition that I have of who I think I should be, could be and would like to be. The points of heartache and sorrow come in when I experience the regret and loss – that I did not succeed in experiencing me as the ‘desired’ (good) definition, or that I am now experiencing myself as the ‘bad’ undesired definition.

For example with experiencing the undesired definition – this is when I allow me to go into sorrow because then I feel a sense of loss or that I have become my worst fear. Thus all my desires in some way or another become the reason why I either feel ‘content’ or access the feeling of sorrow and depression. If I don’t get my desired outcome I feel depressed and this outcome would be dependent on whether I am seeing me as the director of my world instead of that I am the victim. So here we have another point: I either in any given moment experience myself as the victim or the winner. Thus if I am the director and beneficiary of the outcome of what I am experiencing then I feel ‘content’ with myself and my environment. If I experience myself as being victimised through my allowance or ‘at a loss’ and not the director of everything I come into contact with, then I experience myself as disappointed in me and thus access sorrow.

Sorrow is therefore the emotion through which I withdraw from myself, in anger and regret because I did not achieve the outcome that I designed within how I view me. How I view me within this is to become a better thinker and a stronger character, or else I won’t make it in this world. Now looking at how I have structured my perception of how all my reactions as mentioned above fit into my view of myself, I would say that I constantly have to manipulate myself to feel strong and to act smart. I want to be strong so that I may feel strength as myself and thus not fear anything. Therefore I allow me to tell myself (manipulation) that to appear strong to myself I must ‘achieve’ certain outcomes. This is where the ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ come from.

The ‘Good’ outcome is how I determine whether I am able to accept myself and the bad is how I decide when to back down from what I am busy with. I have therefore designed certain reactions within me like sorrow and heartache as a reaction to the ‘bad’ experience so that I may withdraw from what I was doing because it is not working for me and thus must not be done again. Now the problem here obviously is that you cannot just ‘back down’ from what you are busy with, just because you see that it makes you ‘feel bad’ based on a need to feel content and directive. For example if I want a certain outcome during my day so that I may feel more clever or stronger and in the end I don’t experience me as that – I will dip into tiredness and sorrow, to force myself to stop participating. Why stop participating? So that I may try something else that works. After all what point is there in continually circling around the same crap everyday if it brings you no satisfaction? Interesting I have never seen these points before.

So I might entertain my mind with ventures and games during the day through which I either feel stronger and directive or I decide to back off and try something else. If I don’t feel like trying something ‘new’ to boost my ego then I will access depression which is how I remain subdued, waiting for the next point to ‘emerge’ from within my environment.

So I wait for the next point and basically lose all interest in what I am not being successful with, until I am able to direct me into ‘feeling’ strength or directive again. Sorrow is therefore how I change myself from being expressive to not expressive in the waiting for a better opportunity to find the solution again, in which I will access what I ‘require’. So is sorrow real then from the perspective that I actually feel ‘sad’? No because what I feel sad about is actually not that I am sorry or have remorse but rather feel depressed within because I did not feel clever or directive or in control. Sorrow for example in the case with what I am experiencing right now with Anthony leaving would be how I view myself in light of the ideal situation I perceived I would liked to have had. I am not sorry for myself from the perspective of being mortified that he left or that he has made a mistake. I feel ‘sorrow’ (which is the word we use to describe how I feel as an actual relative experience within) because I wanted things to become more effective and fun and instead had to let Anthony go because we just did not get the points right. No biggie because fuck I am still learning how to stop the bullshit abuse and live here in self honesty. So the experience of sorrow is linked to my expectations that I have of myself, the whole reason why I came here and one of the reason why I struggle to become grounded in day to day stuff. I desire to be directive, yet within directive I mean basically to feel good about myself and make sure that I don’t just get what other people settle for but actually the stuff I WANT. For example: an agreement with somebody where both just fully express in the agreement without regret, without shame, without hate, without self abuse, without holding onto ideas that either one is bad or wrong or sick in the head. So for example with Anthony how I experience myself is as regret because I should have been directive about who I went into an agreement with and not allowed myself to desire, but instead I went into an agreement and allowed my desires to run rampant like desiring to be special and to be sexually free with him. When we both realised we had issues (duh) we both accessed our crap and presented it to each other on silver platters. Both have to take responsibility for what we allowed and both must forgive for each to really enjoy who we are.

First though I had to realise that I wanted to achieve something and when I only accessed the ‘bad’ side of myself with very little results for the ‘good’ I perceived in me, I slowly started to get angry and to withdraw because that is where we both access ‘depression’ as a coping/hiding mechanism. I desired within the relationship (as an example) to be heard and to feel alive within my own skin. To accomplish this I had to become playful and have a blast all day. Not being able to have fun all day like a little girl I soon fell into a withdrawal and soon into a pattern of obsessive depressive fatigue. This tiredness comes from wanting to sleep and wake up and start feeling me again. The sleep I experience as a dying sensation through which I emerge as rejuvenated and ready to face more shit that I have to do to get myself to ‘feel’ directive. Therefore directive is not who I am yet but rather something I have heard requires to be done successfully for myself and all to not have so many issues and fuck each other up. Thus directive stands separate from me if it still has a value instead of being who I am, always here.

This brings me back to where I still allow myself to desire an outcome within which I feel better from the perspective of feeling directive and content. I desire to feel like nothing is more than me and nothing has control over me. I would say that the reason why most have ‘depression’ is because we see how we allow ourselves to conform to fear and rules and systems and do nothing to stop it. Thus we hide and we blame others for the problem instead of taking self responsibility. Therefore to depress me is saying that I am not willing to stop what exists within me as competition, the need to direct myself and the need to be better in my way of thinking and acting. The ultimate robot who wants to dance like no other robot.

So, the robot within me wants to ultimately break all restrictions and dance like crazy, but I am to afraid of giving up on how I play the game in which I have learnt I am fairly safe if all goes well. Meaning: to take chances each day to break free but once I am unsure of myself I back down again. By breaking free I mean to let go of all expectations, all desires and just be here in self expression. So what do I desire and how do I let go of my desires:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit a picture presentation of myself within this world, as presented by the system for each to ‘be accepted within the system’

I forgive myself for desiring to be ‘safe’ from the perspective of having no financial difficulties or having to beg others for money or security

I forgive myself for desiring to have the ‘creature comforts’ that exist within this world, that seemingly ‘make things easier’ to live with, like money and people who support you in your personality design

I forgive myself for desiring to be strong and to have no fear, instead of walking in self trust

I forgive myself for desiring a specific outcome with regards to my own experiences, as to not make mistakes and not have to face my own decisions.

I forgive myself for having such expectations of myself that when the expectations are not met, I access ‘sorrow’ which is depression as a form of inner punishment and self abuse

 

Heartache: heartache I would say is the inner emotional struggle that exists within me where I want to experience love and being desired and having value. Therefore if I don’t experience myself as desired and loved and appreciated I go into the emotional ‘bubble’ called heartache. An actual experience of a messed up reality within my chest and mind in which the pain is intense yet suppressed with me saying things like: ‘no I am fine’. Yet what I realise is that the pain in my chest is associated to the desire to have all I want and for it to be practical. Once I realise that I am not going to get what I ‘want’ that is how and where I access this bubble. I then walk around with my heart literally sore with failed desire and within this I won’t express the pain, just suppress. Within the suppression I realise that the desire for love and validation is not real because nobody can give it to you, but I had designed such a pretty idea in my head of what is possible between two beings that I am utterly disappointed that it just cannot be. Why can two beings not just enjoy each other and commit to each other and then stick to the agreement? Why must there always be an end or why must one or both beings end up feeling like they have done something wrong. So that is why I allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ because my idea of how an agreement could be is for both beings to get over their crap and enjoy each other. Now of course I realise that within my statement I am making a justification for relationship in which two beings live together and participate with each other. I realise that all relationships are based on some desire and thus as the desire is of the mind, eventually it will end because if the desire runs out beings tend to lose interest. I experience heartache because the beings I enjoyed expressing me with either lost interest or just did not want to continue because something happened and thus it had to end. My experience of heartache is therefore based on a conditioned believe that I must find the ideal agreement where both beings actually want to be there and apply themselves effectively for themselves, so that nobody has to leave in order for one to ‘get it right’.  This also implies that for both to actually walk together in self trust, each must face what they allow and stand up within themselves for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting this conditioning within myself based on wanting a relationship based in control of an outcome.

I forgive myself for wanting to have a relationship so that I may experience the feelings of love and justify this by saying:  ‘but why is it not possible for two beings to enjoy each other’

I forgive myself for wanting an ideal relationship where two beings participate fully and allow themselves to express and communicate and live

I forgive myself for conditioning another’s expression, to what I would like it to be within relationship to me

I forgive myself for desiring to be in a relationship with somebody who will be gentle and supportive, yet able to stand up to bulshit and assist me in standing up to my bulshit.

I forgive myself for allowing designs within the matrix to present a picture to me in which people desire the ‘ideal’ relationships

I forgive myself for judging people who are in relationships even though I myself have designed one in my mind and will actually experience my bubble of emotional heartache if I am not experiencing my design.

I forgive myself for taking it personally if somebody does not want to be my friend or be in a relationship with me

I forgive myself for desiring a mind puppet through which I may direct my own desires for sex and comparison and needs

So I have realised that sorrow is the disappointment I experience with myself when I don’t experience what I would like to have or experience throughout my day. Heartache is an emotional bubble that I allow within me when I don’t feel loved or caressed or desired. The sorrow is linked (as I experience it) to the desire for power in which I either am the winner over what I set out to do or the looser. The winning depending on whether I am able to congratulate myself on fulfilling one or all points I set out to do – based on an idea I have of my purpose

Heartache is linked to my emotional states pertaining to relationships. These relationships could be friendships or agreements or relationships with any being in my environment. If I attach an emotional outcome e.g.: being desired or validated to the relationship, then I sometimes allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ if these points are not met. Thus if I want to feel desired for example within a relationship I might set out to do certain things, which will result in me experiencing myself according to what I desire to experience. The heartache is therefore how I would perceive myself to have ‘lost an experience’ through which I would have experienced me as: for example desired, needed, wanted. The focus of wanting this experience to come from outside me, comes from wanting self to be desired, be likable, be wanted. Which means that I want to have purpose for me to be able to live with myself. If the purpose is to be needed then I will go into relationship so that I may have a purpose, so that I don’t have to face me in not having a purpose.

Why purpose? Is it not simpler to just be here without a set purpose or design? Yes I realise that to state oneself as purpose or without validation, is to say that I want to exist as a projected image for me to try and live by. Why? As I write this I see that I don’t want to actually have purpose but believe that I should have purpose and thus want to give me purpose through relationship. If I am here with no purpose then I feel anxious because I know that in this world one cannot just sit around and have no purpose while millions suffer. I also realise that to tell myself: I must do something for me as all, I am giving me a purpose. The point though is to not seek a purpose for self through relationship. How does one exist here without seeking value especially not value through relationship? Practically I realise that while I am here I see what exists as this world and I see what I am able to do to stop myself from self destructing and then assist those I communicate with to realise the same. So my purpose is not to make myself feel better about myself either by designing paths or journeys to walk to apparently be no more inner abuse. Because as I walk I assist me in self honesty. I don’t require to build special relationships so that I may assist me.

Therefore my realisation is that whoever I communicate with is not there to fill a gap in self definition so that I don’t self abuse. If I communicate with a being I self express me in understanding of who I am . Therefore the emotions that I used to give me purpose to not self abuse are not valid. I do not require the opposite polarity of self abuse emotions for me to be here. The opposite polarity emotions for example being: feeling needed, loved, special whereas before I would have ‘lived’ to destroy me as self hate and loathing.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret for not accessing more emotions that would have given me a feeling of self worth during my relationships with people

I forgive myself for holding onto heartache if I do not experience myself differently around people

I forgive myself for placing conflict, sorrow as control and self hatred as the reason why I should have tried harder or done more in my relationships

I forgive myself for placing value in relationship, whereby I would desire to feel needed and fulfilled – thus if these points are not met I access inner conflict about whether I am really able to live with me, seeing as I fucked up again

So this brings an interesting point. If I connect my idea of fucking up in relationship to something like heartache then it means that I hold onto me as again either being a success in life or not. The heartache being the ‘reference point’ of again whether I feel I was successful or not in whatever I applied myself as. The idea of success or no success again obviously ties in with me as my purpose as the end result of my purpose therefore I am complete.

I forgive myself for desiring to become somebody who everybody else is able to say: look she stood up she is free from all her emotions

I forgive myself for fearing being the person in the room who thinks they did not achieve their purpose which is to be seen by others as stable and strong.

I forgive myself for watching and comparing myself to others who are seen as stable and thinking that I must be like them

I forgive myself for believing that unless I am more stable and able to stand up to others and events then I am just small and powerless and experience sadness

I forgive myself for allowing the experience of sadness by thinking about that which I have not been able to do, which is mostly based on ideas about relationships and accomplishments and not about what is best for all

I forgive myself for judging myself as not being the right person to stand up for all because I still allow myself to enjoy relationships and the participation therein.

I forgive myself for attaching a polarity to whether I fit a picture of what is best or not, meaning whether I act one way or another

I forgive myself for focussing on the emotional outcome of an event rather than being self honest about myself and trusting me in self responsibility

I forgive myself for desiring an emotional outcome pertaining to anything I participate in because the emotion will be the ‘reference point’ as to whether I experience myself as content or sad

I forgive myself for holding an emotional measurement to each point I participate in or experience and from there either experience me as content because I was ‘good’ in that moment or sorrow’ because I looked or acted bad. The good or bad as I mentioned being a value and judgment I have about how I think I should experience me instead of what is practical for me and all. I still allow myself to look at myself and my participation as good or bad: meaning I have judgements about what I say and whether I should be saying and doing it. The judgment comes from fear of making a decision that will apparently according to my definition of ‘loss’ cost me dearly. Thus if for example I fear saying something which later is used against me then I compromise myself. Thus sometimes I will hold back on what I experience and allow me to experience judgment about any ‘value’ of expression  because at the end of it all my own inner battle with value leaves me bitter about value. Thus I will often in my mind judge what people value because I myself value so much, to which I must apparently live by, because I have decided that if I don’t I am a bad person. A bad person being me in self expression if it costs another something or makes me feel silly or creates a situation where I see myself as less than or mistaken. So how I also experience ‘heartbroken’ is me in general if I allow myself to define me according to conditions of failure and mistakes where I messed up or hurt me through my ‘decisions’. Thus I view all and any decisions I make as non trustworthy due to my inability to just be and allow me to ‘make mistakes’ stand up and walk in self trust. So heartache is linked to no self trust because if I unconditionally accepted myself and walk in trust of me I would not experience the loss associated to the ‘heartache’ (the definition of me as less than or of little value)

What I have realised is that the only way to push through any experiences of sorrow or heartache is to forgive myself for the accepted and allowed conditioning, for which I have attached value to. Then to stop thoughts associated to the moments where I would give in to the perception that for me to experience worth of myself I must go there or participate with a specific person/event. Therefore self intimacy and realising each experience or feeling I have defined as being ‘due to another being or event’ was actually me experiencing myself and that I will not experience self value or worth through my participation with a person or event, but that it is always here, constant as me.