Tag Archives: depression

Demonology Forum Support: Trapping Myself

Original post: http://demonology.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=715&p=1315#p1315

I suggest also start keeping a backchat diary – which you post here. This will allow you to write out your daily patterns within backchat – which will allow you to directly see where and how to ‘fine tune your self corrective actions’ or where your self forgiveness was not specific enough.

An example of an effective backchat diary:

day 1: 26 August 2011

I was getting redy to sit down at the computer to start with project A. A thought comes up – why dont you rather let someone else do it because you dont have enough experience. I looked at this point – and realised that two days ago I had already done self forgiveness on ‘giving up’.

What happened next was that I felt this sinking experience in my stomach, that I was lying to myself and others by participating – and that even though I had applied SF on giving up – the reality is that I have not applied the tools that is covered in the material within project A – therefore I should rather back off and let someone ‘reliable do it.

I then decided to not complete the project based on this principle – therefore had decided my SF was not valid.

This is an example of how one identifies a backchat pattern, applies SF – but again allows a new pattern of backchat to direct one into not applying the original Self forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

Now one writes a – one could say ‘report’ on the above backchat pattern:

Instead of following through on the SF and SCS already applied by walking the self correction of ‘starting and completing project A’ I allowed myself to stop and I allowed myself to manipulate me with new backchat into the original point of giving up.

Therefore today’s focus is on applying SF on the allowances, as well as following through on the new pattern instead of the self correction. then I apply the self correction on this pattern by ‘starting and completing project A.

1. Therefore one has identified the new pattern (which is the old pattern slightly changed)

2. The justifications used.

3. When during the Self correction did you stop and what did you change to be able to go 4. into the new pattern- this would be a new thought that could either be the justification, a promise, a threat, a delay, a discomfort etc.

4. What Self Forgiveness Statements were not effective – here you go through the SF written out the first time and you observe how your decisions this time indicate which statements did not yet support the actuality of what you were doing. For example let us say that the first time you write SF such as:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people who I am participating in within project A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people who I am participating in within project A, because I believe that they understand the material better.

When you are in the pattern again and the ‘new thought’ that comes up is ‘but you know someone who works on project A should also be able to fluently explain the material.

This is now a ‘new’ version of the backchat – used by the mind (as yourself) in an attempt to stop you from participating. Therefore you would identify that the self forgiveness above was not specific enough because you also believe that people should understand the material but also fluently explain the words.  You will now write down what SF was not specific enough according to the new events.

Now you identify in the same way what self corrective statements were not effective enough. For example if the first time you applied SF and SCS you wrote:

‘when I want to walk away from a project, I stop, I breath, I stop any and all thoughts – and I continue focusing on the project by remaining where I am and continuing with the practical steps to complete the project.

Now in this report you have realized that you did not follow through on the self-corrective statements because you did in fact find a reason, get up, walk away and not start and complete project A. So, now you will write down that sentence under: self corrective statements that were not effective.  As you did above for the Self Forgiveness you will now write out new self corrective statements for the new self forgiveness additions as well as reconfirming the self forgiveness statements not walked the first time.

Remember this is not a punishment – but instead a direct, clear way of aligning oneself to the actual points that require your participation to change.

By writing out the entire event, the decisions made, the justifications/excuses, the SF and self corrective statements not lived and the new SF/SCS/self correction to be walked  – one is clearly mapping the way and not allowing any confusion about what it is that one allows or what is to be applied within Self-Correction.

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Fearing the worst

I forgive myself for fearing that somebody will try and manipulate me without me being aware of myself and what is happening

I forgive myself for not trusting and supporting me effectively in every moment and thus allowing myself to think that something will happen to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to worry and fear that something will happen to my dog, my cats or my fishes

I forgive myself for worrying about the ‘health’ of my dog and for fearing that he will become ill

I forgive myself for fearing that my dog might be lonely and that his boredom or loneliness might result in him becoming aggressive or ill

I forgive myself for allowing myself to ‘imagine’ events or scenarios where my dog bites another animal

I forgive myself for allowing thoughts in which I worry that my dog does might be ‘sad or depressive’, when what this is – is me seeing myself as sad or depressive

Therefore in what I fear about any of my animals is me fearing myself and what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself for fearing that if I do not apply myself in writing, that I will experience suppressions manifested here in my world

I forgive myself for fearing that I might make a mistake

I forgive myself for fearing other people’s responses to me – in that they might ask me to shut up or go away

I forgive myself for attaching value to anybody outside of me as a personality who I perceive through their actions or words might ‘have power over me’

I forgive myself for giving my power away through fear, by imagining situations that could happen and thus not living here in practical common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience depression when I fear that things will happen to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as the victim personality, always fearing others and situations  – I direct me in every moment in every breath. I purify my words by being aware of what I say and why I say it. I am aware of my movement and participation in 3D

 

I forgive myself for placing value in constructs such as: envy, jealousy, better than, more than, good, applying, expressive, able, competent, clean, stable, responsible. Not that these points are ‘constructs’ within themselves, but rather how I perceive them to be is systematic and of the mind because of conditions and ideas and believes around each ‘point’

The consequences of me wanting to ‘play it safe’ is a direct statement to myself that I have no self trust.

I forgive myself for fearing speaking what I see to other people – out of fear that it would change how we communicate or change the beings ‘opinion of me’. This states that I want to exist as a personality or idea within somebody’s mind and that who I am is dependent on the minds value another being has of me. It is not that the other being has this value of me, but that within me I have given myself the value that I would like others to have of me and thus live to form this opinion in others. I stop ‘designing/creating’ ideas within myself about myself and thus stop designing all ideas within other beings. This I notice occurs like a dimensional shift when I express from the perspective of validation or bringing out an idea within the being of me – based on what they just experienced in my company – of me

I forgive myself for fearing that other people will not approve of my actions and words – this being because I don’t always approve of my own words and actions because I am dependent on my words fitting a certain picture of me – thus I don’t trust me as here

I forgive myself for fearing that if people stand up together that they might judge me of who they see me to be and thus not want me to walk with them. This fear is directly linked to how I see myself not able to walk with myself in self honesty, as I see me and my mind as separate and still allow me to hide behind my mind instead of direct me here

I forgive myself for still believing that some people are better than others and thus are more than and stand out. This is a direct reflection of my wants and needs to ‘be special, be noticed and apparently feel good’ because of some external event, word or placement of myself

Who would I be if I were not here but in a different place surrounded with different things and people. Would it change me.

I forgive myself for fearing that if I were to go someplace else I would use that as a reason to change instead of me being one and equal to me here

I forgive myself for waiting to be here as me and instead hiding in fear of myself and of self responsibility

I forgive myself for existing within my ego as the fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment and fear of getting lost.

Everything that exists within me is a feeling based illusion, thus my above mentioned fears are illusions.

I forgive myself for accepting the illusion of something happening to me. This fear is based in me not wanting to accept full responsibility for myself as I see responsibility to be – some big drama with me in the middle. So my perception of self responsibility is that it is a struggle. This is my mind allowing me to doubt me because as long as I listen to the illusion, the mind will give me reason to exist as an illusion.

 

I focus on here as the breath what I am able to touch physically, move physically and how I direct me practically

I forgive myself for using words to discharge sexual tension. Discharge or release is not necessary because if everything is here than the immediate stop of desire and need is here as the in breath.

I forgive myself for wanting to feel myself within masturbation or sex because it charges my mind consciousness system for the rest of the day

Fearing any event or being is actually fearing is the accepted and allowed nature of self as director and thus I fear that I am actually not in directive principle of myself

I forgive myself for fearing myself because I think that who I am is still dependent on what I think I need, want desire and thus am able to within this – fall back into old patterns. Last night I had a dream in which I begged an old friend I had walked away from a few years back – to please be my friend again and compromised me to have that cycle of abuse back. Thus I realised that I did not stand as what I had realised but instead fell back into self abuse. Thus I realised that points exist within me where I tend to fall back into self abuse and self compromise.

I forgive myself for accepting any form of self abuse and self compromise

I forgive myself for allowing any and all thoughts in which I fall back into self abuse.

I realise that the fact that I ‘circle’ around this one point over and over indicates that I do not want to trust me and that I do not want to just live and that my new form of self abuse and self compromise is to hold onto the idea that I might fall, I might deceive me, I might not be self honest. This is self abuse because any form of self inflicted self doubt in which I justify any form of abuse is self abuse – even the what if’s.

I forgive myself for judging myself in that I might not be who I think I should be.

I forgive myself for wanting to hold onto desires and ideas, because only suppressed desires and ideas will bring forth such self doubt instead of me living here without self blame and self hate.

I forgive myself for desiring power over people, thus in this statement realising that as long as I see the existence of power as me having some form of control over something – will I allow me to exist beneath or over any moment – and thus never just being here. I play the power game within myself of I must win over my inner room and accepted nature – instead of transforming my nature in every moment every breath as it presents itself here – without judgement.

Miasms

 

Miasms: Points that have manifested as me as the physical body

 

Andrea

8/23/2008

 

 

Genetic, DNA, From conception, mother, father, accepted encoded points lived out as persona

 

These are points I have looks at so far


 

From birth I had four major personas’s which supported the ‘points’ of miasms.

·        Intellectual: Clever, smart, way ahead of the others, insight

·        Afraid: Anxiety, nervousness, fear based suppressions and hopelessness

·        Abstract: different, contained, hermit, spiritual, different, angry, confrontational, subject to change within believe

·        Compassionate: thinking of ‘the whole’, thinking of what is the best thing to do, oneness and equality

The actual miasms are the defining points that are ‘brought’ across through genetics and DNA through which the stages of the physical are dependent on eg: the growth for example of a young baby to teenager is progressively linked to what miasm or genetic programs are running as ‘points’ that require to be lived as persona through the being. For example is the miasm is the beings genetic point of information – transferred and encoded as ‘who the being should become’ then the persona is how the being lives the miasm in totality of expression.

The miasm could be genetic traits of e.g.: depression, anger or sadness brought through from the mother or fathers miasms but the child will ‘live’ out the physical structure as the major physical traits and becoming of the body by for example being overweight, underweight, broken hip or injury’s that happen within specific periods of the beings ‘growth period’.

My miasms for example are depression lived through my persona as being a carefully, contemplative being, focusing on what makes sense rather than free expression in every moment. The personality through which I define myself as a depressive miasm is to live cautiously, without being freely expressive unless I see the worth within what I express. Placing myself within ‘bad moods’ or becoming sore within my body thus manifesting the physical of the depression as pain, discomfort, but endorsing the physical manifestation through the persona of being careful to not have to make mistakes. Thus my hip is an example of where and how I allow myself to say: no thanks I won’t walk to fast or run ahead and play as I would like to because my physicality won’t support me not being cautious, thus supporting the miasm of depression and sadness.

Next miasm: anger of self. Lived here as persona called being serious and not allowing shit within my environment and thus manifesting physically as the definitive limp and strong arms and strong jaw. Thus ‘projecting’ the image that I am strong and not to be messed with, endorsed by my persona of being tough when it is coming from the persona of anger at self. Thus if I am angry with myself as ‘self anger’ then I will walk around in within a stiff body, presenting ‘strength’ as my point of anger, thus justifying self anger. The persona will be ‘walking around speaking only if beings don’t talk too much shit to me or give me more reason to face my own miasm but rather leaving me alone to exist as the miasm and persona of ‘being strong’

Next miasm: ‘sadness’ inherited just like self anger and depression from both my mother and father – thus generating a complete physicality as ‘both parents’. This means that because I have genetically become both parents’ miasms I have become them as the physical manifestation and persona’s as well. The physical of my father for sadness also linked to depression is the weakening of the body, feeling of tiredness and wanting to be left alone to not have to stretch the body and participate in the physical. From my mother the physical has become the tiredness of conversation, judgment in my thoughts and placing words before a being to make them think that if they shut up rather than express their sadness then both of us will actually seem more alive, when in fact both beings physically swell up with water, holding back on the physical expression of grief and thus being protected with body water. My father’s personality is to shut up and not say anything, thus living as the persona of constantly seeing the bad and the ugly in everything. My mother’s persona is the grieving for all things lost: e.g.: money, family, friendship, opportunity, value, ideas, God

 

 

My experience with regards to ‘Heartache and Sorrow’

Heartache and Sorrow               by Andrea                                                                12 September 08

My experience with regards to feeling ‘heart-broken’ and the experience of sorrow: These experiences are linked to an idea that I have that ‘Love’ exists and also that  if something I consider to be ‘bad’ happens I experience regret and a sense of loss. The ‘bad’ experience would be how I have defined what I experience according to whether it suits my idea of what I want or not. If I experience what I wanted then I am ‘happy’ or I would say at least for the time being ‘content’. If I have an experience that I labelled within me as ‘bad’ it comes from my own desires to be something special which actually in my eyes I won’t be able to be, because I don’t actually view anything or anybody as special. Thus my desire to be something is a endless cycle as I experience it because I never quite experience me as ‘something’ other than just a human walking around either able to place myself effectively or not. The desire to be something soon loses its appeal to me as I realise that the desire itself is ego based and thus requires constant participation within the design for the desires to be maintained. So currently I am working with not allowing me to define me according to anything, as any definition I tend to place according to whether it serves me (good) or not (bad). Serving me is to not define me because I realise that living as any definition means that one must take care to present and fulfil all points required for one to experience the definition. So my point here is that heartache and sorrow is linked to a definition that I have of who I think I should be, could be and would like to be. The points of heartache and sorrow come in when I experience the regret and loss – that I did not succeed in experiencing me as the ‘desired’ (good) definition, or that I am now experiencing myself as the ‘bad’ undesired definition.

For example with experiencing the undesired definition – this is when I allow me to go into sorrow because then I feel a sense of loss or that I have become my worst fear. Thus all my desires in some way or another become the reason why I either feel ‘content’ or access the feeling of sorrow and depression. If I don’t get my desired outcome I feel depressed and this outcome would be dependent on whether I am seeing me as the director of my world instead of that I am the victim. So here we have another point: I either in any given moment experience myself as the victim or the winner. Thus if I am the director and beneficiary of the outcome of what I am experiencing then I feel ‘content’ with myself and my environment. If I experience myself as being victimised through my allowance or ‘at a loss’ and not the director of everything I come into contact with, then I experience myself as disappointed in me and thus access sorrow.

Sorrow is therefore the emotion through which I withdraw from myself, in anger and regret because I did not achieve the outcome that I designed within how I view me. How I view me within this is to become a better thinker and a stronger character, or else I won’t make it in this world. Now looking at how I have structured my perception of how all my reactions as mentioned above fit into my view of myself, I would say that I constantly have to manipulate myself to feel strong and to act smart. I want to be strong so that I may feel strength as myself and thus not fear anything. Therefore I allow me to tell myself (manipulation) that to appear strong to myself I must ‘achieve’ certain outcomes. This is where the ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ come from.

The ‘Good’ outcome is how I determine whether I am able to accept myself and the bad is how I decide when to back down from what I am busy with. I have therefore designed certain reactions within me like sorrow and heartache as a reaction to the ‘bad’ experience so that I may withdraw from what I was doing because it is not working for me and thus must not be done again. Now the problem here obviously is that you cannot just ‘back down’ from what you are busy with, just because you see that it makes you ‘feel bad’ based on a need to feel content and directive. For example if I want a certain outcome during my day so that I may feel more clever or stronger and in the end I don’t experience me as that – I will dip into tiredness and sorrow, to force myself to stop participating. Why stop participating? So that I may try something else that works. After all what point is there in continually circling around the same crap everyday if it brings you no satisfaction? Interesting I have never seen these points before.

So I might entertain my mind with ventures and games during the day through which I either feel stronger and directive or I decide to back off and try something else. If I don’t feel like trying something ‘new’ to boost my ego then I will access depression which is how I remain subdued, waiting for the next point to ‘emerge’ from within my environment.

So I wait for the next point and basically lose all interest in what I am not being successful with, until I am able to direct me into ‘feeling’ strength or directive again. Sorrow is therefore how I change myself from being expressive to not expressive in the waiting for a better opportunity to find the solution again, in which I will access what I ‘require’. So is sorrow real then from the perspective that I actually feel ‘sad’? No because what I feel sad about is actually not that I am sorry or have remorse but rather feel depressed within because I did not feel clever or directive or in control. Sorrow for example in the case with what I am experiencing right now with Anthony leaving would be how I view myself in light of the ideal situation I perceived I would liked to have had. I am not sorry for myself from the perspective of being mortified that he left or that he has made a mistake. I feel ‘sorrow’ (which is the word we use to describe how I feel as an actual relative experience within) because I wanted things to become more effective and fun and instead had to let Anthony go because we just did not get the points right. No biggie because fuck I am still learning how to stop the bullshit abuse and live here in self honesty. So the experience of sorrow is linked to my expectations that I have of myself, the whole reason why I came here and one of the reason why I struggle to become grounded in day to day stuff. I desire to be directive, yet within directive I mean basically to feel good about myself and make sure that I don’t just get what other people settle for but actually the stuff I WANT. For example: an agreement with somebody where both just fully express in the agreement without regret, without shame, without hate, without self abuse, without holding onto ideas that either one is bad or wrong or sick in the head. So for example with Anthony how I experience myself is as regret because I should have been directive about who I went into an agreement with and not allowed myself to desire, but instead I went into an agreement and allowed my desires to run rampant like desiring to be special and to be sexually free with him. When we both realised we had issues (duh) we both accessed our crap and presented it to each other on silver platters. Both have to take responsibility for what we allowed and both must forgive for each to really enjoy who we are.

First though I had to realise that I wanted to achieve something and when I only accessed the ‘bad’ side of myself with very little results for the ‘good’ I perceived in me, I slowly started to get angry and to withdraw because that is where we both access ‘depression’ as a coping/hiding mechanism. I desired within the relationship (as an example) to be heard and to feel alive within my own skin. To accomplish this I had to become playful and have a blast all day. Not being able to have fun all day like a little girl I soon fell into a withdrawal and soon into a pattern of obsessive depressive fatigue. This tiredness comes from wanting to sleep and wake up and start feeling me again. The sleep I experience as a dying sensation through which I emerge as rejuvenated and ready to face more shit that I have to do to get myself to ‘feel’ directive. Therefore directive is not who I am yet but rather something I have heard requires to be done successfully for myself and all to not have so many issues and fuck each other up. Thus directive stands separate from me if it still has a value instead of being who I am, always here.

This brings me back to where I still allow myself to desire an outcome within which I feel better from the perspective of feeling directive and content. I desire to feel like nothing is more than me and nothing has control over me. I would say that the reason why most have ‘depression’ is because we see how we allow ourselves to conform to fear and rules and systems and do nothing to stop it. Thus we hide and we blame others for the problem instead of taking self responsibility. Therefore to depress me is saying that I am not willing to stop what exists within me as competition, the need to direct myself and the need to be better in my way of thinking and acting. The ultimate robot who wants to dance like no other robot.

So, the robot within me wants to ultimately break all restrictions and dance like crazy, but I am to afraid of giving up on how I play the game in which I have learnt I am fairly safe if all goes well. Meaning: to take chances each day to break free but once I am unsure of myself I back down again. By breaking free I mean to let go of all expectations, all desires and just be here in self expression. So what do I desire and how do I let go of my desires:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit a picture presentation of myself within this world, as presented by the system for each to ‘be accepted within the system’

I forgive myself for desiring to be ‘safe’ from the perspective of having no financial difficulties or having to beg others for money or security

I forgive myself for desiring to have the ‘creature comforts’ that exist within this world, that seemingly ‘make things easier’ to live with, like money and people who support you in your personality design

I forgive myself for desiring to be strong and to have no fear, instead of walking in self trust

I forgive myself for desiring a specific outcome with regards to my own experiences, as to not make mistakes and not have to face my own decisions.

I forgive myself for having such expectations of myself that when the expectations are not met, I access ‘sorrow’ which is depression as a form of inner punishment and self abuse

 

Heartache: heartache I would say is the inner emotional struggle that exists within me where I want to experience love and being desired and having value. Therefore if I don’t experience myself as desired and loved and appreciated I go into the emotional ‘bubble’ called heartache. An actual experience of a messed up reality within my chest and mind in which the pain is intense yet suppressed with me saying things like: ‘no I am fine’. Yet what I realise is that the pain in my chest is associated to the desire to have all I want and for it to be practical. Once I realise that I am not going to get what I ‘want’ that is how and where I access this bubble. I then walk around with my heart literally sore with failed desire and within this I won’t express the pain, just suppress. Within the suppression I realise that the desire for love and validation is not real because nobody can give it to you, but I had designed such a pretty idea in my head of what is possible between two beings that I am utterly disappointed that it just cannot be. Why can two beings not just enjoy each other and commit to each other and then stick to the agreement? Why must there always be an end or why must one or both beings end up feeling like they have done something wrong. So that is why I allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ because my idea of how an agreement could be is for both beings to get over their crap and enjoy each other. Now of course I realise that within my statement I am making a justification for relationship in which two beings live together and participate with each other. I realise that all relationships are based on some desire and thus as the desire is of the mind, eventually it will end because if the desire runs out beings tend to lose interest. I experience heartache because the beings I enjoyed expressing me with either lost interest or just did not want to continue because something happened and thus it had to end. My experience of heartache is therefore based on a conditioned believe that I must find the ideal agreement where both beings actually want to be there and apply themselves effectively for themselves, so that nobody has to leave in order for one to ‘get it right’.  This also implies that for both to actually walk together in self trust, each must face what they allow and stand up within themselves for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting this conditioning within myself based on wanting a relationship based in control of an outcome.

I forgive myself for wanting to have a relationship so that I may experience the feelings of love and justify this by saying:  ‘but why is it not possible for two beings to enjoy each other’

I forgive myself for wanting an ideal relationship where two beings participate fully and allow themselves to express and communicate and live

I forgive myself for conditioning another’s expression, to what I would like it to be within relationship to me

I forgive myself for desiring to be in a relationship with somebody who will be gentle and supportive, yet able to stand up to bulshit and assist me in standing up to my bulshit.

I forgive myself for allowing designs within the matrix to present a picture to me in which people desire the ‘ideal’ relationships

I forgive myself for judging people who are in relationships even though I myself have designed one in my mind and will actually experience my bubble of emotional heartache if I am not experiencing my design.

I forgive myself for taking it personally if somebody does not want to be my friend or be in a relationship with me

I forgive myself for desiring a mind puppet through which I may direct my own desires for sex and comparison and needs

So I have realised that sorrow is the disappointment I experience with myself when I don’t experience what I would like to have or experience throughout my day. Heartache is an emotional bubble that I allow within me when I don’t feel loved or caressed or desired. The sorrow is linked (as I experience it) to the desire for power in which I either am the winner over what I set out to do or the looser. The winning depending on whether I am able to congratulate myself on fulfilling one or all points I set out to do – based on an idea I have of my purpose

Heartache is linked to my emotional states pertaining to relationships. These relationships could be friendships or agreements or relationships with any being in my environment. If I attach an emotional outcome e.g.: being desired or validated to the relationship, then I sometimes allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ if these points are not met. Thus if I want to feel desired for example within a relationship I might set out to do certain things, which will result in me experiencing myself according to what I desire to experience. The heartache is therefore how I would perceive myself to have ‘lost an experience’ through which I would have experienced me as: for example desired, needed, wanted. The focus of wanting this experience to come from outside me, comes from wanting self to be desired, be likable, be wanted. Which means that I want to have purpose for me to be able to live with myself. If the purpose is to be needed then I will go into relationship so that I may have a purpose, so that I don’t have to face me in not having a purpose.

Why purpose? Is it not simpler to just be here without a set purpose or design? Yes I realise that to state oneself as purpose or without validation, is to say that I want to exist as a projected image for me to try and live by. Why? As I write this I see that I don’t want to actually have purpose but believe that I should have purpose and thus want to give me purpose through relationship. If I am here with no purpose then I feel anxious because I know that in this world one cannot just sit around and have no purpose while millions suffer. I also realise that to tell myself: I must do something for me as all, I am giving me a purpose. The point though is to not seek a purpose for self through relationship. How does one exist here without seeking value especially not value through relationship? Practically I realise that while I am here I see what exists as this world and I see what I am able to do to stop myself from self destructing and then assist those I communicate with to realise the same. So my purpose is not to make myself feel better about myself either by designing paths or journeys to walk to apparently be no more inner abuse. Because as I walk I assist me in self honesty. I don’t require to build special relationships so that I may assist me.

Therefore my realisation is that whoever I communicate with is not there to fill a gap in self definition so that I don’t self abuse. If I communicate with a being I self express me in understanding of who I am . Therefore the emotions that I used to give me purpose to not self abuse are not valid. I do not require the opposite polarity of self abuse emotions for me to be here. The opposite polarity emotions for example being: feeling needed, loved, special whereas before I would have ‘lived’ to destroy me as self hate and loathing.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret for not accessing more emotions that would have given me a feeling of self worth during my relationships with people

I forgive myself for holding onto heartache if I do not experience myself differently around people

I forgive myself for placing conflict, sorrow as control and self hatred as the reason why I should have tried harder or done more in my relationships

I forgive myself for placing value in relationship, whereby I would desire to feel needed and fulfilled – thus if these points are not met I access inner conflict about whether I am really able to live with me, seeing as I fucked up again

So this brings an interesting point. If I connect my idea of fucking up in relationship to something like heartache then it means that I hold onto me as again either being a success in life or not. The heartache being the ‘reference point’ of again whether I feel I was successful or not in whatever I applied myself as. The idea of success or no success again obviously ties in with me as my purpose as the end result of my purpose therefore I am complete.

I forgive myself for desiring to become somebody who everybody else is able to say: look she stood up she is free from all her emotions

I forgive myself for fearing being the person in the room who thinks they did not achieve their purpose which is to be seen by others as stable and strong.

I forgive myself for watching and comparing myself to others who are seen as stable and thinking that I must be like them

I forgive myself for believing that unless I am more stable and able to stand up to others and events then I am just small and powerless and experience sadness

I forgive myself for allowing the experience of sadness by thinking about that which I have not been able to do, which is mostly based on ideas about relationships and accomplishments and not about what is best for all

I forgive myself for judging myself as not being the right person to stand up for all because I still allow myself to enjoy relationships and the participation therein.

I forgive myself for attaching a polarity to whether I fit a picture of what is best or not, meaning whether I act one way or another

I forgive myself for focussing on the emotional outcome of an event rather than being self honest about myself and trusting me in self responsibility

I forgive myself for desiring an emotional outcome pertaining to anything I participate in because the emotion will be the ‘reference point’ as to whether I experience myself as content or sad

I forgive myself for holding an emotional measurement to each point I participate in or experience and from there either experience me as content because I was ‘good’ in that moment or sorrow’ because I looked or acted bad. The good or bad as I mentioned being a value and judgment I have about how I think I should experience me instead of what is practical for me and all. I still allow myself to look at myself and my participation as good or bad: meaning I have judgements about what I say and whether I should be saying and doing it. The judgment comes from fear of making a decision that will apparently according to my definition of ‘loss’ cost me dearly. Thus if for example I fear saying something which later is used against me then I compromise myself. Thus sometimes I will hold back on what I experience and allow me to experience judgment about any ‘value’ of expression  because at the end of it all my own inner battle with value leaves me bitter about value. Thus I will often in my mind judge what people value because I myself value so much, to which I must apparently live by, because I have decided that if I don’t I am a bad person. A bad person being me in self expression if it costs another something or makes me feel silly or creates a situation where I see myself as less than or mistaken. So how I also experience ‘heartbroken’ is me in general if I allow myself to define me according to conditions of failure and mistakes where I messed up or hurt me through my ‘decisions’. Thus I view all and any decisions I make as non trustworthy due to my inability to just be and allow me to ‘make mistakes’ stand up and walk in self trust. So heartache is linked to no self trust because if I unconditionally accepted myself and walk in trust of me I would not experience the loss associated to the ‘heartache’ (the definition of me as less than or of little value)

What I have realised is that the only way to push through any experiences of sorrow or heartache is to forgive myself for the accepted and allowed conditioning, for which I have attached value to. Then to stop thoughts associated to the moments where I would give in to the perception that for me to experience worth of myself I must go there or participate with a specific person/event. Therefore self intimacy and realising each experience or feeling I have defined as being ‘due to another being or event’ was actually me experiencing myself and that I will not experience self value or worth through my participation with a person or event, but that it is always here, constant as me.

Depression of self

This was in response to an e-mail that I had received from a Desteni forum member, asking me about Depression:

Hi

Yes as Jack mentioned I have experienced many years of extensive depression, in all sorts of ‘forms’ When I say ‘forms’ i mean, from childhood depression to adult depression, consisting of work related, money related and sex/relationship related. Gosh writing about this is actually assisting me to see all the different forms! Thanks Steve! See how openness and self-honesty actually assist in more ways then just you assisting you? Because by you assisting you, I get to assist me which means we equaliy assist ourselves as one!

Ok, so let me explain about depression and what i have experienced. i have come to understand within myself through the years that my depression was linked to self-dishonesty. Yes, whenever you depress you into a state of feeling down or sad or tired then what you are doing is stating that you have no directive principle (no direct power of self) to move and apply yourself, so taht you may ‘not experience depression. And of course that is self-dishonesty.

Now I realised also that within ‘depression’ there are factors to which I have allowed me to become depressed and these factors were pre-programmed by myself when I was Anu. Why do I say me -as Anu. Well we have to realise that Anu and co were merely showing each of us, who we really are. I mean look at Anu’s creation of this world: If he had not set us up for ‘failure’ this way, we would never quite have seen ourselves within oneness and equality as who we really are. So, was the design of man really a design or were we created in such a way so that we may become ourselves completely?

I suggest seeing as we are speaking frankly here, that you and I remember when we saw ourselves as ‘depressed’ people for the first time. You might remember a day when you realised your ‘depressed nature’ and said to yourself ‘shit man this is surely not who the fuck I am?’

So when I saw taht I was depressed as the nature of me, probably a few months ago, I also realised that it wont necesarily be ‘easy’, meaning a quick trip through the park, to sort this all out. I had realised what I had become and now what? What does one do? So I started seeing me for who i had become and each day when my depression pushes at me, as a designed pre-prgrammed button that pushes itself wherever, whever then I state clearly to myself: I will never again fall back into my old patterns. If I experience the ‘onset’ of my depression then I will move me until it goes away. Together with that I did forgiveness on who I had become (all the points of depression you realise exists within you) and also did forgiveness working through Verno’s structural resonance documents, as well as doing the forgivenessess on the forum. You will notice that depression is a sneaky thing. It comes from soo much ‘background’ chatter within your subconscious mind taht you are never even aware of what your mind is being programmed to react as. Because the subconscious runs in the background while you are only seeing the conscious thoughts and feelings, you are never quite aware even of why you become depressed!

So I did forgiveness on everything. There are examples on the forum, documents done by the dimensional beings, on forgiveness examples for: anger, sadness, mothers, fathers, family, fears, ego. I suggest run a search on the front page of the forum to find all posts on forgiveness and do all of them. When you read somebody’s post on forgiveness then I suggest take the opportunity to do your own forgiveness right there, what is relevent to you. Also while reading the Structural resonance documents, so forgiveness as you go along and see exactly what your own experience has been ‘in relation to what Veno is writing about’. You see that is the point of Veno’s articles is for each to read it and apply themselves within that according to what they see exists within them.

So for me each day I still have my moments where I slump into tiredness and depresiveness. This exists within my solar plexus area (beneath the chest area where the ribs end, above the stomach). I have from my childhood placed certain words and applications within this ‘sacred aread’ which each human has within them, where you go into when you are afraid, sad, angry etc. Each person has a ‘sacred place’ where we place words and feelings and thoughts who we project when we are afraid. My projections is my won way of fearing myself >Sounds funny I know but here goes: i project me as i am here, confident, alive, assued of myself. Then when I see who I have become before due to my assuredness and confidence then I shrink back and fall into this ‘sacred place’ where I have lost myself before. See the double conundrum bulshit? I see who I am now and I like me. Then I see who i have become before when I was demon possessed and afraid of nothing and then I state within me ‘ oh well i better watch myself from becoming afraid of who i have been before, because that was trouble for me. I never quite grasped the whole demon possession thing see and therefore I still see what i did as ‘bad and wrong and wreckless’. So with that in mind I then fall into a depresive state by seeing myself and becoming afraid. I am not saying that I would like to become demon possessed again, what i am saying is how i saw my own inner self – that is what I was afraid of. I see who i was then and that frightens me. So I go into my solar plexus filled with ideas, words and feeling about who I was and then WHAM – depression of self occurs because then I remain ‘safe’.

I suggest to you, look into yourself and write down what you fear about who you are. Remember that it is never about other people or situations, that ‘make us want to be depressed, although they do trigger fear within self: It is always about self fearing and being anxious about ME. Who will I be when I stand up for myself. Now that in itself should not scare anybody right? Well one would say that standing up for self is cool hey?

Then why do we fear it so? Well we are soo caught up in the bulshit of this world, the way we dress is designed from within our subconscious which feeds from the unconscious, the way we talk, our habits, our desires etc. then when we see who we really are ‘capable of being’ and we are still acting according to what the unconsciouss mind tells us – then we tend to sit back and rather play dumb. This is how we clear the unconsciouss see – we have to look at where the unconsciouss still directs us from being who we see ourselves to truly be – FREE from the unconscious. So, my message to you:

Don’t fear self-expression. Dont think about what you fear. The fear itself exists within your mind as an illusion. If you fear then you know that you have thoughts about the fear. I suggest apply forgiveness as suggested on EVERYTHING then state clearly to yourself that depression is only what you have accepted. Then dailey, and I mean dailey you push what you have just resisted. So, when you slump into ‘it’ then say to yourself ‘ok where did I just think about what i fear, therefore accessing my ‘special place’ within me and therefore accessing my depressive self. Then once you look back into what you said or did to bring forth depression then you do forgiveness on that and push through the resistenace of that moment. You say to yourself ‘ok I resisted this moment because of….. (do forgiveness). Then you say ‘I forgive myself for allowing the resistence within myself to exist’, then you push through the resistence by physically moving yourself in whatever form.

I realised this morning that when I slump into depression I must move me. Even if i jump out of my window screaming at the top of my lungs – that’s cool, because the movement of self through that tiredness is all that matters. You see, for me I have realised that I exist into foreverness (my own word I just created) with only me to exist AS, therefore when I see myself act depressed then i see who i wil be forever, see?

So I then discard that bulshit and I get up and I walk around the garden or i jump on my bed and laugh or i tickle Anthony until he begs for mercy, because the depression is not real. I am real as who I become as myself, but if I accept the depression as who I have become then that is what i will experience. So, I have placed this understanding within myself to dance, jump, sing whatever it takes to not experience this depression. WHy jump and sing? Well i am sure you get what i am saying already with regards to the decision that you make about who you have seen yourself to be, therefore….. the body is now showing you how to adjust yourself so that your thought generated ‘special place’ ( ha ha sounds rediculous I know) is never again in charge of sending out messages that you must act a certain way. You have now directed yourself to move and the body is there to assist you with that. That is why i jump up and down, because my body is showing me to move beyond my thoughts…Ha I see that now! Cool

i find that the only part that requires constant pushing of self, Steve is to realise in this moment and each moment who I AM. That is all

Ok, now you let me know how it goes, ok?

Cheers

Childhood

As I write this I ask myself the question why we all like writing about our childhood – can we not just let it go. However, within my childhood I see how I created myself and how I came to be – here now. So I will give insight into it: I remember my father was a very quiet, depressed man, my mom as she is now – angry, erritated and worked up. My father did not want to be here, he was caught in his head, worrying about feeding his family and child hood traumas. I of course only wanted him to hold me and play with me, but he was a troubled man and therefore stayed in his own room, cooked his own food and did not have much to say.

At some stage my dad had a mild heart attack and I remember standing just outside the doctor’s room, listening to the doctor tell my mom that if my father did not ‘stop smoking’, that my father would die. So, my major concern then became: when will my father die and what am I able to do to prevent this? I tried speaking about this to him, but he told me ‘to just ignore it’. I then realised a while later, from watching my father, that he was indeed going to die. I just knew it. He was always sad and alone and always smoked (at that stage I was of the opinion that yes smoking does kill you). From this I came to understand that he was going to die. The rest of the time, from that point forward I spent watching and waiting. If my father came home from work in the evenings, I experienced a flood of relieve. If he was late from work, my little brain would be wrecked with fear, I would be consumed, fearing that any minute the phone was going to ring….

Then one day I was doing homework in my room and my mom walks in. She appeared worried, sad. My heart was racing because it had been doing so ever since the conversation between my mom and the doctor. She stood before me and told me that my dad had another heart attack and was in hospital. Of course the realisation that the moment was there just sunk into me, how inevitable it was. That evening we visited him in hospital and I would hardly speak to him. I was angry because he was aware that this was going to happen, yet it did not stop him from ‘smoking’.

I remember vaguely praying to Jesus or God that night and begging for my father not to die, same shit different story. Early the next morning, angels did not descend down from the heavens as my father was fighting for his life in a hospital bed, instead he suffered repeated heart attacks and died. I experienced what any young child does, when they receive such news, I was shocked, I did not cry. I waited for my father’s funeral before I cracked inside the church and became hysterical. That day something in me snapped. I was very angry. I was tired. I had been waiting and fearing his death for many years and i just wanted my father to hold me without me worrying about when he will die, or me feeling his stiffness and depression.

After his funeral, I became very angry. I had decided that God ‘betrayed’ me and that he was no good. What kind of world do we live in where a God, gives a child a father that hardly speaks to her, then has her spend here ‘childhood’ worrying about when exactly he will die and then like a sick, prolonged joke, he… dies. It came out years later that the bank he was working for was joining another bank and that on that particular day they were going to retrench people. My father was so worried that he was going to loose his job, and had told my mother that he was not sure how they were going to cope if he lost his job. Apparently the day of his heart attack, he already left the house having the first heart attack. My sister noticed that he was sweating and looked pale, but he asked her not to say anything. He did not want to upset anybody. So after i heard that my anger at myself and the money system started. I ‘blamed’ myself because I caused his death and the money system drove his body to death.

 I tell this part of the story because in a way it was a blessing and a curse. That was unfortunately a path that i took of self-hate and self anger. On the other side, that was the first day I questioned the existence of God. I was eleven and I remember standing in my garden and yelling up at the skies: ‘Whether there is a God or not I dont care, you are not a God’. ‘If there is such a thing as a devil, I will serve him instead, i will show you!’ Yes that was very dramatic, but that is in a way what drove me insane. A couple of days later, my father’s best friend came to ‘pay his respect’ and ended up fondling me when my mom went to bed. Let us just say…that was not helping. From that point my quest to ignore God and blasphemy his name was how I spent my school years, and then I became afraid and tried to get close to him, by ‘worshiping’ him. From that point forward, you can watch my videos on youtube.

I forgive myself for crying for my father’s death

I forgive myself for seeing this world as cruel

I forgive myself for being afraid of what this world is able to ‘manifest’, as myself, as that which each one of us has ‘become’

I forgive myself for crying because children are so innocent and have no clue about what really happens in this world

I forgive myself that I put myself through all the hell, just to prove a point to a God that does not exist

I forgive myself that in taking on God, I ended up taking on me, because I am the only one that will experience what I create

I forgive myself that sometimes I feel really old and unable to just be

I forgive myself for feeling as if i have been doing this for more than just one life time

I forgive myself for crying for the past

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and feel

I forgive myself for fearing that if I do not stop feeling tired and old, that i will die

I forgive myself for only now embracing me. I love me and I want for nothing but to just be

I do not want to chase dreams and fears and worries any longer. I forgive myself for feeling like I am tredding water sometimes, and for finding ‘beingness’ difficuilt

I forgive myself for fearing, just breathing and stopping, because I have found that if I stop then I stop moving and all I do is run and play all day. How am i able to run and play when animals and people are being abused and killed

I forgive myself for feeling pressurised to do something, yet at the same time, just be

Therefore my beingness is rushed and worried that i am supposed to be surviving and doing things to stop the lies in this world.

I will continue…